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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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FA Cup Final result stuns UK

The UK spent most of Sunday sitting and staring at the wall in stunned silence after underdogs Manchester United thundered to a convincing 3-0 win over mighty Millwall.

The shock result comes as some consolation after a disastrous season for United. The cash-strapped outfit is believed to be down to its last £5bn in replica kit revenue and has struggled to match oil-rich Chelsea for sheer buying power. The lowest point for the Reds was a dismal third place in the Premiership, a cataclysm so traumatic for the city of Manchester that not even Sir Alex Ferguson's pledge to "execute one in ten of the playing and coaching staff" had been able to snap the populace out of its catatonic misery. Ferguson had previously been cleared of all blame for the catastrophe by a panel of experts consisting entirely of Ferguson himself.

Cash shortages meant that United began Saturday's epic struggle with a mixed bag of bargain-basement talent, including 12-year-old Portuguese prodigy Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo was apparently bought in error after United talent scouts mistook him for the Brazilian Real Deal, although they did get Tower Bridge thrown in for nothing. On the day, however, it was the the pre-pubescent Iberian who broke the deadlock just before half time.

Millwall never really recovered from this blow. The previously invincible Sarf London club — holders of the English Public Disorder Trophy for the last ten years — crumpled like origami paper swans caught in a nuclear blast as United overwhelmed their world-class squad.

Led by legendary Dennis Wise — praised by his former Leicester City boss as "a man who could start a fight in a phone box" — Millwall battled gamely on until two further strikes by Ruud van Nistelrooy put the game beyond their reach. Even the last-minute appearance of 4-year-old Curtis Weston, bought in a pub near the New Den for "a tenner and a Barcardi Breezer" shortly before the match, could not revive Millwall's flagging fortunes. In the end, it was United who lifted the trophy dressed to a man in "Davis" shirts — a touching tribute to wrongly-convicted armed blagger George Davis whose family continues the fight to clear his name to this day.

There was, nevertheless, some consolation for Millwall fans to be gained from the drubbing. As BBC commentator John Motson put it: "It's been a lovely day out for them and one they'll certainly remember for the rest of their lives." This was a sentiment echoed by blue-bedecked supporters exiting the Millennium Stadium. "It's been a lovely day out and one I'll remember for the rest of my life," said one man with a spider's web tattooed across his face. "I must thank Mottie for reminding me of that cos me and the lads had arranged a ruck later with some of the boys from Cardiff FC, but I think I'll just go and have a quiet pint and reflect on how lucky I was to have been able to witness my team taking a 3-0 arse-kicking."

But while the Millwall faithful can only now reflect on what might have been, United stalwarts can put behind them years of underachievement and shattered dreams. "I never in my wildest dreams thought I would live to see the day when our £762bn worth of highly-paid, world-class players would lift the FA Cup," sobbed one lifelong United fan from Singapore. "Who knows, maybe we can win the Premiership one day," he mused.

Indeed, United's Cup Final victory now renews hopes that Manchester United will be able to rustle up a bit of spending money for the 2004-5 season. Indeed, former Leeds striker Alan Smith will certainly sign for the club today for a modest £8m. Smith had formerly pledged "undying devotion" to Leeds, but then they got relegated.

Breaking news

A furious Alex Ferguson this morning blasted Israel's destruction of Rafah — during which an estimated 1,600 Palestinians were made homeless — as "totally unacceptable". He told a packed new conference that "this kind of wanton destruction can have serious ramifications on our Champions League ambitions" and called for Israel to "immediately withdraw from Gaza" or "we'll send in Roy Keane".