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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Woman arrested over Britart fire

A 44-year-old woman has been charged in connection with the warehouse fire that destroyed many works of contemporary British art in east London last week, inlcuding pieces by Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst.

Several witnesses saw the woman fleeing the scene of the fire carrying a petrol can, a box of matches, several pieces of balled-up newspaper and a scorched oily rag. One described her as "wild-eyed, blackened with soot and cackling maniacally".

According to witness reports, the woman — described as dark-haired and of average height with a heaving bosom — was muttering to herself, saying: "Let’s see how much time you spend in this godawful place now, you bastard. Coming home smelling of shit and raving about Tracey Emin’s sex juices. Most men would bloody run home for my Thai yellow pumpkin and seafood curry."

Unconfirmed reports say that she also suggested that someone named Charles could stick his Chapman brothers up his arse.

Despite the amount of incriminating evidence available, police say they are not confident of achieving a guilty verdict.

“No jury in the land will convict her,” admitted Inspector Gerald Horne of the Metropolitan Police. “If the prosecution tries to convince them that the fire destroyed anything of value, they’ll just laugh. An old tent, some toy soldiers and pictures made out of excrement? Sounds like the aftermath of a nine-year-old boy’s sleepover to me.” The owner of the collection was unavailable for comment as he was busy looking after his stepchildren.