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Relief floods into disaster-raped island

Aid agencies have begun a massive relief operation to bring succour to those affected by last weekend's terrible events on an impoverished group of islands in the North Atlantic.

One visibly-shaken UN operative, unloading enormous crates of tissues and tranquillisers at a makeshift airstrip in Essex, told The Rockall Times: "This is just a stop-gap measure to get aid to those most in need. If we don't get the international community behind us then the UK's entire infrastructure will collapse by Wednesday, maybe sooner."

The nightmare began after dark on Friday, when 74 million Britons tuned into the last-ever episode of Friends. Within minutes of the final credits, telephone help lines were swamped as suicidal temp secretaries tried — and failed — to contemplate life without their weekly fix of Americans being witty in a building somewhere. "We've been taking about 3000 calls an hour," a spokessamaritan confirmed from an improvised callcentre in Newcastle. "Peoples' lives are broken. It's a disaster on a biblical scale."

We spoke to a semi-hysterical junior account executive at a firm of cardboard box manufacturers just off London's North Circular. We will refer to her only as Jane Smedley — that being the name on her birth certificate: "My life is completely without meaning. I cried for two days before taking an overdose of vodka and barbiturates. When that didn't work, I tried to throw myself under a train, but because of engineering works it never turned up. I bought the entire DVD boxed set of series one and rang a couple of mates to see if we could at least numb the pain by watching that all night. Sadly, they'd both hung themselves."

Police this morning confirmed the double suicide, and told us a chilling tale of sobbing females being talked down from bridges. "I'm just a copper," said one exhausted bobby, "but if I had to venture an opinion, it would be that these people are suffering from infantilism provoked by projecting their own hopes and aspirations onto a group of fictional characters. They should get out more, if you ask me — just as long as it's not to jump off a tall building."

The British government has responded swiftly to the catastrophe by appointing a "Soap Czar", charged with rebuilding the UK's shattered social infrastructure. He could not this morning confirm any concrete plans, but said that a rise in fuel duty and the compulsory carrying of identity cards were likely interim measures.

Meanwhile, Haiti and the Dominican Republic have promised to begin airlifts of much-needed disaster-relief aid within the next 24 hours. Speaking from a rain-lashed rubber dinghy in Port-au-Prince, a representative of the country's interim authority told the world's media: "Our thoughts are tonight with the victims of this terrible tragedy. It's at times like these that our own, trifling, problems are put firmly in perspective."

Related news

The cast of Friends have confirmed that they will be taking a well-earned break after ten years of relentless drollery. Jennifer Aniston will travel to Germany for some essential structural repair work to her hairstyle. Matt Le Blanc has decided to pursue a long-held dream and "get some acting lessons", while Matthew Perry hopes to run for the US Senate. Courtney Cox Arquette is currently building an enormous, solid platinum effigy of herself in Los Angeles.

David Schwimmer intends to continue his pre-Friends career fighting Colombia's cocaine barons from a helicopter gunship, and may be joined by Lisa Kudrow who is collecting background material for a lavish and entirely unnecessary remake of hilarious Goldie Hawn classic Private Benjamin.

Repeats of every single episode of Friends begin next Friday on Ch4 and will run for the next 120 years.

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