Joan Collins joins UKIP

Sexy pin-up Joan Collins is the latest recruit to the newly-formed United Kilroy Independence Party (UKIP) which analysts predict is heading for a landslide victory in the EU elections. Some even believe they could be the next UK government despite having been formed just twenty minutes ago and campaigning on a manifesto comprising nothing more than pledges to keep sausages round and full of breadcrumbs, beer warm and in pints and Britain's Anglo-Saxon heritage "free of the taint of Europe".

Stunner Collins is a major coup for the party and the former Dynasty soap star will boost the Kilroy party's already high profile in the run up to the EU elections. Ms Collins, who has admitted that she could never be bothered to vote, has homes in the UK, France, Los Angeles and New York.

At the press briefing Ms Collins was quizzed by reporters but was unable to articulate the reasons for joining the party and suggested someone else should answer all the difficult questions. She did, however, agree to talk about make-up, designer clothing and her pain at having to quit Britain for the US.

Party workers and aids of the 61-year-old former TV presenter Robert Kilroy-Silk are euphoric at the attention his new party is getting. Kilroy, just off a plane from his holiday home in Spain where he has been preparing his campaign to get Britain out of the EU by the ingenious plan of himself becoming an MEP, told journalists: "I want my grandchildren to grow up in Britain and not a place called Europe."

At grass-roots level, 72-year-old Kilroy activist Jim Brown told The Rockall Times of his joy at Collins' recruitment: "Joan is a real babe, she is like, one hot woman, if you know what I mean. But at the end of the day I am proud of the UK and all it stands for." Jim wanted to elaborate, but sadly had to get his new Renault Clio serviced before nipping to his local Aldi supermarket to pick up some spaghetti and a bottle of rioja for Sunday lunch.

Other Kilroy party members include 65-year-old actor Edward Fox and 81-year-old Astronomer Patrick Moore. We enquired at party headquarters whether the UKIP had any members below retirement age and after hours searching their database, Kilroy functionaries directed us to a team of young activists distributing leaflets in the Kent area.

What immediately struck us was how refreshing it was to meet a group of teenagers gearing up for the European elections with commitment and imagination — especially at a time when voter apathy towards Europe has reached an all-time high. They were keen to tell us what they believed being British was all about.

Student Phil, currently doing media studies at a red-brick uni in the home counties, said: " We have been told to go back to our constituencies and prepare for party, or something like that. I'm not sure really because I wasn't paying much attention at the time." His spotty-faced comrade Mike chipped in: "We Young Kilroys are proud of our heritage and culture and what it stands for. The French and Germans know nothing weekend binge drinking and the total mayhem it causes in Britain's city centres."

We retired to the nearest pub and — after seventeen pints at a quid a pop and a team-building group vomit in the doorway of a branch of Dixon's — a tearful Mike asserted: "This is what being British means. It's a proud part of our culture and I'll fight any Brussells eurocrat who says otherwise. You're my best mate, you are. No, really..."

We asked the drunkenly defiant youngsters for their thoughts on Joan Collins' new role on the front line of the war to save the UK from oblivion, but none of them had ever heard of her.