West Nile virus: What every parent should know

Read this, or your kiddies will die

by our pandemic correspondent

The government's recent warning that the chances of the potentially-deadly West Nile virus arriving on UK shores is "low" should ring alarm bells with all responsible parents across Britain.

The killer microbe — which saw off a chilling 264 US citizens last year — has also been identified in Africa, Europe, the Middle East, Asia and most recently in Romania and Russia. Here are the terrifying facts:

How does West Nile virus spread?

The infection comes from mosquitos which have bitten infected birds. It is also carried by Eastern European gypsies, Arabs and asylum seekers. Children normally succumb just hours after receiving a bite from an infected source. Adults may experience the symptoms — fever and skin rash — within minutes of reading a Daily Mail report on the scourge.

What's the mortality rate?

Around one in ten million — enough to earn a World Health Organisation "Newsworthy" status, although slightly below the "Global Apocalyspe Panic" alert level reserved for other plagues such as flesh-eating necrosis.

Should I be concerned?

Yes. Every year thousands of innocent British kiddies are bitten by Slovenian pikies and asylum-seeking, one-legged Albanians.

What should I look out for?

As noted above, the symptoms are fever and skin rash, followed normally by complete recovery.

A bit like the common cold and a bit of nappy rash, then?

Exactly. Vigilance is essential.

My baby has a fever. What's my next move?

Parents should follow the normal, approved method for dealing with mild childhood ailments: panic-ridden shouting down the phone, hysterical dash in people carrier to local health centre, vociferous demands for antibiotics.

So antibiotics will do the trick?

No, but their unneccesary use will assure that you feel you have done everything possible to protect your child.

For the love of God, is there no way of stopping this plague?

Yes — the immediate shutting of the our borders, withdrawl from the EU and the complete decimation of the UK's avine populations.

I agree. What's my next move?

Seal your kiddies in a safe room with a year's supply of Sunny D and Dairy Lea Luncheables. The Daily Mail will advise you on when it is safe to release them. In the meantime, stay calm.

Next week:

Dole-scrounging Macedonian pimps: What every parent should know