Druids to sue Italian government

American Druids are to sue the Italian president and senior members of the government for suffering and persecution at the hands of the Roman army.

US legal mover-and-shaker Lazarus Fagin, who prides himself on his willingness to sue anything that stands still long enough to have a writ slapped on it, is taking the action for as many plaintiffs as he can get to sign up. He says by banning the Druid religion and persecuting its priests, the Roman army was guily of a genocide "that matches anything Hitler may have been guilty of".

The action, to be lodged in a California court today, will claim defendants are still suffering two thousand years after the terrible events, and will seek backdated damages.

The group of American plaintiffs have produced DNA evidence they say links them with Druid ancestors in Wales, all of whom were massacred during an attack on the Druid stronghold of Anglesey. One says he has the papyrus orders given to Suetonius Paulinus, the Governor of Britain, stating that he should "kick Druid ass" at his earliest convenience.

Mr Fagin is heading the action against a number of named parties which includes President Carlo Ciampi and the Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi as well as several senior government ministers. He is also handling an action against the Spanish government for the activities of the Inquisition.

Fagin told The Rockall Times: "The government in Rome was the hub in a hub-and-spoke conspiracy. Nero and Paulinus knew what they were doing led to the destruction of indigenous religions. They took people, put them into the gladiator schools and wiped out their identities."

He denied events were too far in the past. "There are ongoing emotional injuries that these people suffer from. Why is it too far fetched to say Druids should be entitled to compensation for damages and genocide committed against them when every other group in the world that has been victimised in this way has received recompense."

He also denied that the Romans were a force for civilisation: "Diversity should be valued. If the indigenous people of Britain wished to practise human sacrifice, the Roman government should have respected that. Instead, they sent legions to deliberately exterminate the Druid priests."

The Roman Empire lasted for centuries and established domination over most of Europe and the Middle East. When Rome fell, the Byzantine government in Constantinople (now Istanbul) maintained an Eastern empire. This lasted until 1453 until finally succumbing to the Ottoman Turks under Mehmet II.

Fagin warns that this means the Greek and Turkish governments may face lawsuits in the future: "It doesn’t matter one jot that the Byzantine empire collapsed 550 years ago. Under US law, governments automatically inherit the debts and responsibilities of their predecessors, so the Greek and Ottoman Turk governments could have compensated the Druids centuries ago. In spite of their fabulous wealth, they failed to do so."

One plaintiff, known only as Zak, said the Druid persecution denied his identity. "Today I suffer from the indignity of being treated like a weirdo, of not knowing who I am, and having no recognition of my religion as a result of acts committed by these militaristic fascists," he intoned. "Got any dope, man?"

Ambulance chasers throughout the UK have welcomed the case. Barrister Grabbiton Fleece chairs the Home Office working party on poorly paid lawyers and is a member of the Druid Council of Great Britain. He said it highlighted an important event that "cannot be glossed over".

"There is no doubt that wiping out the Druids was a crime against humanity and for me and my mates the consequences of religious persecution still exist today." He added that it was hard to see how they would win but added: "I would like them to. I need a new conservatory."

Lawyer Handsin Ur Wallet, a civil litigation expert renowned for winning large settlements for people too stupid to take responsibility for their own actions, said the case was not about "compensation culture".

"This is about trying to teach people who step out of order that some lawyer someday is going to get very rich for this. Berlusconi should take it seriously. Who won the war anyway?" he shouted.

Lawyers will have to show the Druids are not social dropouts, they have a right to have their religion recognised, and that the Italian government can be held accountable for actions committed two thousand years ago.

But it would be hard to prove that by governing modern-day Italy, President Ciampi and Prime Minister Berlusconi were responsible for the actions of the Roman legions, said Mr Wallet.

A spokeswoman for Mr Berlusconi said: "Bloody hell, they be suing someone for crucifying Christ next. Er, better keep quiet about that."