Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law

New Chelsea supremo Jose Mourinho last week began his reign at the oil-rich London club with a no-nonsense press conference during which he outlined his ambition for the Blues over the next four years.

Shy and retiring Mourinho arrived at Stamford Bridge on horseback having crossed the Thames on a pontoon of boats especially constructed for the occasion. He immediately declared three months of games for loyal Blues fans who had turned out in their thousands to garland his route to the stadium with rose petals.

Mourinho's first act as coach was to send Juan Veron into exile in Italy. He then appointed his favourite horse Incitatus to the club's board, married his own sister Lavinia in the Stamford Bridge Roman Abramovitch hospitality lounge and ordered an enormous bronze statue of himself as Jupiter to be erected outside the stadium.

The formalities completed, Mourinho turned his attention to a series of edicts guaranteed to focus the attention of his bloated, underperforming squad. Anyone unwilling to sacrifice style for results would be "axed", he confirmed. Anyone failing to attend scheduled medical treatment would be "axed". Anyone reporting injured and then jetting off on holiday would be "axed", added Mourinho, chillingly drawing his finger across his throat.

When pressed by the trembling press pack as the exact meaning of "axed", Mourinho used his gold staff of state to indicate several large lorries outside from which packs of ferocious beasts — including lions — were being led into subterranean holding pens.

Mourinho then declared that he would take control of the known world of football within four years through a relentless campaign of conquest. He dismissed the threat of Alexus Maximus Fergusonius, fearsome chief of the Mancunii, stating for the record that the Caledonian warlord would be "axed". He also pledged to subdue Gaul Arsene Wengorix, famed for leading the Arsenii into battle with a terrifying scowl.

Emperor Mourinho concluded his discourse with a thinly-veiled threat to Cheslea owner Abramovitch, warning that if the profligate Russian did not approve of his management style, then he too would be "axed".

Breaking news

We can confirm that Mourinho this morning left Stamford Bridge at the head of his army and headed for Hastings. The squad will spend three weeks on the beach collecting seashells for later triumphant display in the Chelsea trophy cabinet.