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Policy announcement: Smoking

We at The Rockall Times hereby announce that — in defiance of the UK government's ongoing jihad against smokers — smoking will continue to be allowed, and encouraged, on the sacred islet of Rockall and within its territorial waters.

The recent announcement by Tony Blair that London will soon follow the lead of Dublin and ban lighting up in all public places is to our mind an outrage against civil liberties and the tobacco companies' hard-won right to make easy money from poor people from council estates who don't know any better.

Sixty years ago, thousands of plucky British lads, fuelled by bully beef and Woodbines, assaulted Hitler's fortress Europe in order to ensure that an Englishman could in perpetuity enjoy a fag in the comfort of his local pub without let or hindrance.

Now we are faced with the New Labour jackboot stamping once again on the flag of freedom. The question we must ask is this: would those brave boys have piled ashore at Juno, Gold and Sword beaches had they known that their selfless sacrifice would not guarantee their grandchildren's God-given right to light up a gasper with impunity? Exactly.

Therefore, we declare that smoking is — and will continue to be — allowed in all of Rockall's pubs, clubs and lap-dancing establishments. Furthermore, smoking is now compulsory in all three terminal buildings of Rockall International Airport, as well aboard all incoming and outgoing flights.

The duty raised on cigarette sales in Rockall — currently estimated at £7bn per annum — will offset the both the UK's mission to restore democracy to Iraq (£3bn) while the balance of £4bn will completely fund the NHS. This will liberate £86bn fuel revenue which we suggest the exchequer deploy immediately to fight speeding motorists and childhood obesity.

Those who support our campaign for a smoke-filled future are cordially invited to enjoy the unique ambience of the world's remotest islet — thick with cigar smoke, lively conversation and general nicotine-fuelled bonhommie.

If, however, you can't spare a long weekend to make the short hop to Rockall, then support our militant stance in you local by proudly wearing one of our campaigning t-shirts, which are available here:

That is The Rockall Times' formal policy concerning smoking.

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