I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

I'll be your whore in the kitchen: Abi Titmuss

Shy former nurse Abi Titmuss, who once enjoyed six-in-a-bed coke-fuelled lesbo video romps with Satan-worshipping disgraced TV presenter John Leslie, says she's well on the way to becoming the perfect WOMAN.

Spotted out shopping last week for kitchen utensils, Titmuss told The Rockall Times: "I've heard that the ideal female is a whore who can cook a bit, so once I've learned to boil and egg, bingo!"

Retiring Titmuss, 27, can be seen in this month's edition of men's periodical Bollocks wearing nothing more than a coy smile and a large cheque. She is quoted as saying: "I love sex with other women, especially when my boyfriend is watching. If that was you, then you'd be able to watch me having sex with another woman. Sadly, I'm not in a relationship at the moment, so there's no-one to watch me while I'm having sex with other women. I like ordinary, down-to-earth types — exactly the sort of man who reads Bollocks. Hopefully, I'll meet someone soon and then he can watch me having sex with another woman."

The demure blonde has also recently appeared in several UK tabloids flashing her beef curtains as she failed to negotiate the tricky "getting-out-of-a-car-in-front-of-paparazzi" manoeuvre without spreading her legs. A giggling Titmuss told one panting reporter: "Oh dear, I seem to have exposed my modesty to a baying pack of hacks — again. I must be more careful."

Titmuss' recent exposure has not gone unnoticed among TV supremos, who are falling over themselves to sign the talented presenter for a number of high-profile jobs. Indeed, there are rumours of an unseemly fracas between one Channel 4 producer and a BBC cultural attaché who came to blows while simultaneously attempting to sign Titmuss. Eye witnesses confirm that an ITV executive also weighed in with a chair after learning that he might miss out on the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to secure Titmuss' services.

In related news, Titmuss' former partner John Leslie has apparently coupled up with former brassiere model Sophie Anderton. This is seen as good news for Leslie, since Anderton will provide the sort of calming influence which may allow him to get his TV career back on track.

Said one close friend of the couple's: "Sophie is just what John needs. She's level-headed, emotionally stable and loyal. Just ask Mark Bosnich."

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page