Jacques Chirac joins UKIP

The United Kilroy Independence Party (UKIP) expressed its delight last week as heavyweight French President Jacques Chirac signed up for membership.

UKIP spokestan Robert Kilroy-Silk told The Rockall Times: "Being a Frenchman does not disqualify Jacques from being a UKIP member. He first and foremost wants the UK out of the EU and, better still, he also hates Tony Blair and that’s good enough for me."

Kilroy believes Chirac has all the qualities to take him to the top of the Party. "He is arrogant, rude and self-opinionated, unable to listen to a reasonable argument believing his own view to be the only correct one. He should get on with everyone in the party including me as long as he does not disagree with me."

Although Robert Kilroy-Silk was unable to confirm details, his aides believe more political recruits from Europe could soon be joining the fun-loving organisation. German chancellor Gerhard Schroder is rumoured to have already put out feelers to the UKIP. After last week's summit into the EU constitution, he was so irritated by Tony Blair's tendency not to immediately and unquestioningly fall into line with the Germans and French, that pundits believe he will go to any length to see the UK out of Europe. "Gerhard and the other ministers are at their wits' end, to be honest," one visibly-harrassed German lickspittle told us. "Mr Schroder just wants ten minutes' peace from Blair blathering on about sovereignty and vetos."

Our source continued: "The UKIP Party could do with some young blood like Schroder, but since he's only 60 years old he will have to accept that it will be a long wait before he moves up the party ranks. Mind you, the party are all staunch royalists and Gerhard's a German, so that could go in his favour."

Meanwhile, as the search for a new EU President continues the outgoing President Bertie Ahern and Tony Blair believe they have at last found the ideal compromise candidate.

Blair told a press conference. “He is young, popular and very talented. The whole world is talking about him and although he is only 18 years old, Wayne Rooney is the only person on the list of 327 candidates to which the member states have no objections. He would make an excellent EU President."

England and Everton fans expressed themselves "gutted" and "sick as a parrot" at the news, but his mother could not be happier. She has told friends that Wayne’s new job could be the saving of the teen terror. If it keeps him out of the nightclubs and away from models, fast cars, drink and debauchery then she will be "over the moon", as her agent put it.

There is, however, one impediment to Rooney's elevation to the EU presidency. Swiss representatives have declared that they will "under no circumstances" allow the young man to take the post.

"It's entirely unacceptable," a man carrying an enormous chocolate cuckoo clock told The Rockall Times. "We will use our veto to block this proposal." When asked to explain how the Swiss intended to carry out this bold spoiling manoeuvre without actually being members of the EU, the spokesman yodelled: "It's entirely unacceptable. We are Swiss and under no circumstances will we allow Rooney to take the post," before waving a slice of heavily-aerated cheese in our correspondent's face.