Mysterious illnesses still afflict Irish pubgoers

The Irish health lobby was left gasping lungsful of clean, fresh air after a study revealed no drop in illness amongst pub goers. It was widely anticipated that the recent smoking ban would greatly improve drinkers' health and turn public houses into temples of physical perfection. Unfortunately, an independent report commissioned by Rockall University (formerly the Polytechnic of the North Atlantic) has revealed widespread illness still afflicting regular drinkers in comparison to their stop-at-home counterparts.

Drinkers are afflicted by a wide rage of complaints ranging from pounding head aches, through potentially fatal diseases such as cirrhosis of the liver, to actually fatal diseases such as dropping dead from too much drink. Pubgoers also seem more injury prone with a large number being hospitalised with injuries including “a good all-over kicking” and “a bottle wrapped around the back of the head”.

The report also detailed some unpleasant social side effects of alcohol, including the increasing propensity for women to “get their tits” as an evening's drinking progressed. Furthermore it was noted that there was a inverse relationship between said propensity and the attractiveness of breasts deployed.

Even the mighty intellect of the Rockall boffins is at a loss to explain these phenomena. “It’s a bit of a puzzle,” admitted one visibly-baffled propellorhead. “Smoking has been eradicated yet pub goers still suffer from health problems. They are more prone to both illness and injury. I’m sure it must be a coincidence, but the evenings when pubs are fullest — such as on Friday and Saturday — are also when casualty departments are at their busiest. It's almost as if there were some other substance that is prevalent in bars and affects people’s health and the way that they behave.”

A spokesman for several of the major Irish brewers has dismissed such talk. “The idea that there is some mysterious substance associated with pubs that causes health problems is pure fantasy. Now that smoking has been banned we predict that people who go to pubs will start to live longer than non-drinkers and probably by the end of the century many pubgoers will be immortal. If there was something in pubs that made people ill, do you think the government would allow it? I was talking to George Best just the other day and he said that he's been feeling a lot healthier since the smoking ban. He also asked to me to impress on your readers the importance of carrying a donor card at all times — especially if you've got a young, supple liver."