I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Rockall in EU voting scandal

"Shock" and "disgust" are two of the leading candidates for emotional reactions to this week’s latest political debacle.

Our elite investigative journalism team has uncovered a dirty, underhanded sham, previously unheard of in the clean-as-a-whistle world of professional politics. In the European Parliament elections of last Thursday, it can now be revealed, the island of Rockall was denied its democratic right to vote.

Unfortunately, this information could not be released until now because of EU regulations stating that: "No articles regarding voting practices may be filed until seven clear working days after all member states have finished voting, after which time no articles regarding voting practices may be published." In MEP circles, seven clear working days usually cover roughly a month and a half.

When asked why a loyal, taxpaying island such as Rockall did not get a vote, an EU spokesmen for North Atlantic affairs took time from his lavish lunch in a Brussels eaterie to say: "I draw your attention EU law 118.118, sub-section 11, paragraph four as ratified by the Treaty of Basingstoke 1994 and later endorsed by a plenary session of the code-rich fisheries committee of the EU's Islets, Archipelagos and Reefs Soviet in 1995 and later still upheld by European Oceanic Court No.7 ruling regarding voting rights for shipping forecast areas, to wit: No island may take part in the voting process." When asked whether this was the very kind of bureaucratic quagmire which resulted in distant communities being disenfranchised from the process of government, he noted: "I beg to draw your attention to EU law 11.88.88: Mind your own fuc*king business."

The spokesman then invited us to a slap-up lunch at the taxpayers' expense. When we declined, stating that we did not believe there was any such thing as a free lunch, the spokesman said: "Oh yes there is, believe me."

Despite the assertion that remote Atlantic outcrops do not have an input into the democratic European process, The Rockall Times has been able to discover that the islands of Stephansport and Ammrun have both been voting on the sly for the past 25 years. Our foreign correspondent, however, pointed out: "Well, that’s different. They’re German, so if you object they just build a secret missile testing facility and rain terror down on your cities from the skies."

All the major political parties rallied around this new opportunity to use any political occurrence to further their almost invisible agendas. A joint press conference was called.

The Conservatives duly issued a proclamation of behalf of their leader Vlad the Impaler: "This is clearly another failure for the Labour Party's postal voting system. The letter must have got lost somewhere between the cosmopolitan Scottish postal sorting offices and the North Atlantic. Rockall should have been given the chance to vote at its nearest polling station."

Labour issued their new default statement drafted following recent polls showed that their approval rating had actually hit a negative value for the first time since 1679: "Although currently things don’t look good, the situation is not irreversible. We must all rally round something. If not, you might get the Tories again. You wouldn’t want that now, would you? Remember? They weren’t much good. Boo. Hiss. Come on, all together now...

Pleasantly arrogant swaggerers the UK Independence Party — gaily dressed as Richard the Lionheart with flag of St George shifts and fake tans — declared, "We are hurt, deeply and personally. Being a good, honest, all round British island, there is absolutely no doubt that Rockall would have voted UKIP. This could easily have swung the vote and got us an additional seat which we could then have used to destroy Europe. Literally."

The Green Party emerged blinking from their hastily-improvised yurt in the conference lobby to deliver a statement threatening to send in Greenpeace to occupy Rockall. This suggestion was met with delirious laughter from the assembled politicos.

For their part, the Liberal Democrats clearly thought the time was right to launch into Labour. A spokesman, after receiving nodded approval from the Tory camp, thundered: "Labour’s letting us all down. We are one of the only parties who would remove corruption, and bring politics back to the people. Er, that's it…"

A top-ranking UKIP member retorted, “Come on, we all know that’s bollocks. EU, lunch, blah, lunch, outrage, minister lunch, EU, blah scandal, blah, blah.” He was later forced to revoke this statement when it was discovered that it contravened EU Regulation 1.18.900: No MEP wearing an undeclared fake tan may pontificate on any subject, ever.

At that point the conference was gatecrashed by a bunch of drunken Danes, who shouted loudly that Rockall should have been voting to elect a Danish MEP. They left only after three British warships anchored nearby.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Politics’ index page