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Poor man shot jumping hospital waiting list

NHS Administrators fear that pressure to actively manage waiting lists could take an unpleasant turn after an incident in the US. At the Shade of the Lonesome Pine hospital in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, Arbuthnot Krazewski (84), a retired zirconium miner of Polish descent, decided that he could wait no longer for treatment of his enlarged prostate gland under the local Medicare scheme. He donned an old bearskin rug left to him by his recently deceased mother, Mrs Ursula Krazewski (107) who killed the bear herself with a karate chop the previous fall and, clad in the bearskin, Mr K entered his local hospital, growling and looking for the outpatients clinic.

After being directed to the attached veterinary clinic three times Mr K's patience ran out and he decided to hack into the hospital's computer systems and move himself up the queue. Contrary to his experience when asking for the outpatients clinic whilst masquerading as a bear, Mr K found staff took his request for directions to the computer programming suite as normal. He was close to completing his hack when the police arrived, having been alerted to his presence by a cleaning lady who saw that he was entering the computer suite but not wearing sandals.

When challenged, Mr K claimed that he worked there as a programmer and was wearing boots as his mother was ill and he'd promised her to avoid stressing her out. The local police accepted Mr K's explanation and left the building after informing hospital security. Mr K's untimely end came when IT security noticed he'd jumped the waiting list without a letter from the state governor. They notified the head of administration, Mrs Eva Mowver (23) who walked into the computer suite and calmly shot Mr K in the head with a 12 bore pump-action shotgun before packing him in ice and sending him to the organ recovery team.

Congratulating Mrs Mowver on her prompt action the state governor, the Rev Jesse James (Rep) said "Some will say we were too easy on this sponging wretch by sparing him he humiliation of a public trial and execution for this heinous crime but they must understand that in a medical establishment, compassion rules".

Mrs Mowver issued a statement through her attorney: "Hospital administrators world-wide must each day contend with the dregs of society trying to push their way forward towards medical treatment which our great democracy believes should go to the richest first. We must not shirk our duty of protecting the wealthy sick and at the same time funding the organ-transplant program. May this day be a lesson to poor sick people everywhere."

Asked by a local newspaper reporter if she had learned anything from the experience Mrs Mowver replied "Yes, place the barrel against the side of the head rather than the back, then you avoid shooting out the eyes and losing the corneas."

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