Men prefer women with breasts: Official

Ground-breaking new scientific research released today has proved that men prefer women who have breasts.

Questions such as "Do you like breasts?" were posed to a sample of men aged 12 to 120 who then graded their response from 1 to 38D. The answers — coupled to careful scientific analysis of subconscious electrical brain activity during the contemplation of breasts — allowed the nation’s top boffins to then figure out the inner workings of the male mind.

One top expert moved immediately to suggest the results were “baseless and breastless”. No-one dared point out to her that this doesn’t actually mean anything because she was wielding a very angry glare and a large electro-zaptrometer-umbrella. Despite the fact that she further claimed that the poll may have been affected by the decision to allow answers from 13-year-olds who think jubs are funny, foreign students who didn’t understand the question and former Tory cabinet ministers, her opinions were swept aside: "These results may result in a seismic shift in the way women everywhere present themselves," declared another top(less) expert.

Woman often-in-the-street Jordan, 42ZZ, said, "Wow. I really can’t believe this. I mean, I had no idea. Until now I’ve always been kind of embarrassed by the fact I have tits. Maybe I’d push my baps about a bit more if I had any idea men liked it..."

However, the wizards in white coats were not happy to let things end there. With 98.1451948 per cent of the respondents saying two was the optimum number of breasts, the rest declaring one or none as their preference, our friends in geek land have calculated that "1.983123 is the breast number of breasts. Guffaw".

Although some think that this figure might be distorted, the scientists are sure girls will be queuing up for a life-threatening operation to give them the magic number. The procedure will cost £230.90 per dug, with bulk discounts for those wishing to do nine or more breasts.