Alcohol to blame for 'bus rage' epidemic

Alcohol abuse is the main cause of "bus rage", according to a survey published today.

Bus crews from over 200 commercial bus companies ranked mega beer sessions as the main reason for excessive urinating, curry eating and swearing.

The poll, conducted by the London Society Of Shandy Swillers, found flatulent passengers, kinky mistresses, smoking cannabis and wanker's cramp also provoked bus rage.

Researchers were told by one bus company employee: "Many passengers board the bus either completely finished or looking to blow chunks, then the crew has no choice but to crack heads."

The survey found more than a third of bus companies have no formal street fighting training to prevent and manage bus rage, so are forced to resort to throwing blunt objects and falling back on the classic "windmilling-arms" technique often learnt at school.

Professor George Zip from the London Society Of Shandy Swillers's psychology department — who led the study and is also a bit of a party pooper — said: "I can't understand why people drink alcohol at all. Show me one serious drinker who denies crapping him/herself on the way home from the pub at least once, and I'll show you a liar."

Assistant researcher Joan Cheedles added: "Some bus companies allow the crew to get all beered-up to confront the drinkers on their 'home ground'. This is dangerous as they may easily become mates as a result, and go on to hassle birds with nice arses."

Professor Zip is calling for companies to adopt a three-point plan:

1. Intoxicated passengers to be forced to sit in an open trailer attached to the rear of the bus until such time as they reach sobriety.
2. A ban on the sale of popular tipples such as Old Wife Beater and Scuffle Juice at bars.
3. Inform respectable travellers they may have to step in and kick arse, if the bus crew look like they're getting a right pasting.