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Fearless Brits liberate Norfolk pub

We at The Rockall Times today join millions of Britons in congratulating the 300-odd Norfolk Hearts of Oak who stormed a Portuguese-occupied pub in Thetford last week following England's Euro 2004 defeat at the hands of the Swiss, the heat, the penalty spot, etc, etc.

The crowd — armed with nothing more than bricks and bottles — ignored the risk of serious personal injury to assault the Red Lion in Thetford for three hours last Thursday night. At one point, police intervened when several sobbing Portuguese women and children inside threatened to "seriously piss the mob off with their caterwauling", as one officer put it.

The Red Lion's Portuguese owners had evidently bought the premises some years back with the clear intention of using it as a base to celebrate sporting victories over their adopted nation home. "They come over here, pick our fruit, buy our pubs, drink our beer and then laugh in our faces," shouted one 14-year-old Thetfordian swilling from a sea urchin and guava Bacardi Breezer. "And they eat snails," he added with a shudder.

Police confirm that they made 11 arrests at the scene of the fracas. All those detained were bailed to return in six weeks to receive a certificate of merit and Union Jack lapel pin from immigration-busting home secretary David Blunkett.

The owners of the pub, meanwhile, have confirmed that they are packing up and moving back to Portugal. "We only have ourselves to blame," one told The Rockall Times. "We were welcomed to Britain with open arms and have repaid this kindness by indulging in public cheering following our team's victory over England. I'd kill myself if that would in any way make up for the shame we have brought on our nation."

The future of Thetford's 6,000 other Portuguese residents is less clear, although many will certainly lose the highly-paid agricultural jobs which eager locals find impossible to secure against fierce Iberian competition. Farmer Martin Growler told us: "Yes, I'm going to have to let them go, I'm afraid. After all, the £1.50 per hour these people are earning could be going into British pockets, rather than subsidising foreign-run ale houses."

We rang the Portuguese embassy in London to request a statement on the matter but were told: "Can you ring back later? We're currently fighting off around 10,000 football vigilantes dressed in Stone Island jackets and Burberry baseball caps. Thanks."

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