Public applaud new-look RoboBlunkett

The UK's visionary home secretary David Blunkett has succeeded in a tactile fumble for the hearts of the nation. In an unprecedented display of support, the population has paid tribute to Blunkett's new policy of personally settling any issue he believes merits immediate action.

In a bold move, Blunkett has side-stepped what he describes “all that pissing about with the law and due process” to take on miscreants face-to-face. Political commentators have described Mr Blunkett as being “like a real-life Robocop, expect he’s blind and has a guide dog. And he’s not a seamless fusion of human flesh and cyborg, obviously”.

The public first became aware of Mr Blunkett’s radical new methodology when he single-handedly tracked down Public Hooligan Number One, Gary Mann, and offered to sort him out "man-to-man". A fired-up Blunkett — stripped to the waist and wielding a length of motorbike chain — stood outside Mr Mann’s house screaming abuse and Mann avoided a severe beating only after slipping out of the house and walking straight past the home secretary without him noticing.

Such a high-profile abuse of his powers has gone down well with the man on the street. “Its about time we had a politician that is prepared to get his hands dirty” and “Good for him, lets hope he sorts out them immigrants next” are just two of the soundbites our seasoned hacks made up in the pub and attributed to the public at large.

In an unprecedented display of journalism, The Rockall Times has obtained a leaked memo showing Blunkett’s schedule for next Monday which clearly outline his new no-nonsense approach:

09.00: Warrington B&Q. Mr Blunkett to demand that the manager of the store resigns following allegations of faulty door catches being sold.

10.45: Number 6, Everglade Terrace, Manchester. Mr Blunkett to personally threaten to shove the owner’s stereo up his arse unless he stops playing it in the middle of the night.

12.15: McDonalds, High Street, Birmingham. Mr Blunkett to lob a brick through the window of this food emporium as he has received word that they stopped selling "McBreakfasts" ten minutes early the other day.

13.30: Lunch and 20-minute kick-boxing workout.

14.15: Mr Blunkett to round up illegal immigrants and sending them back where they came from. With a clip round the ear.

16.25: Mr Blunkett to make lightning visit to Humberside police headquarters to personally review the force's tea and coffee-making procedures.

17.15: Mr Blunkett to confront and destroy rogue killer police robot with shoulder-launched missile.

19.00: Mr Blunkett to return to bunker and continue to pore over maps of his intended invasion of Britain.

21.30: Mr Blunkett to retire wearing his favourite Bob the Builder pyjamas.