Sudan special: The chilling facts no parent can ignore

Your cut-out-and-keep guide to the 'Khazi of the North'

by our ethnic cleansing correspondent

We at The Rockall Times have been keeping a close eye on recent events in sun-kissed Sudan, the African nation reduced from a state of earthly paradise to virtual anarchy in just a few, short months.

While we understand that our readers may have more pressing matters to occupy their attention: Tim Henham, Euro 2004, interest rate rises and Abi Titmuss, we feel that the time is ripe to deliver a cut-out-and-keep Q&A essential guide to the nation the British once called "The Khazi of the North" and whose current Arabic nickname roughly translates as "Gateway to Chad".

As is the local custom, Sudan is currently involved in a bit of a punch-up whereby Arab militias are attempting to purge the country of its black population — mainly settled in the area of Darfur. The net result has been the almost total collapse of the package holiday industry. Indeed, the average Sudanese now earns around €2 a year, plus occasional luncheon vouchers.

In addition to a touch of the old "Shake'n'Vac" against their rival ethnic group, the aforementioned roving bands of Islamic springcleaners are planning to airbrush from history all reference to Sudanese blacks. But while a few dusky goatherds are hardly a match for zeal-fuelled ragheads, the second part of their plan may be a little more problematic. The name Sudan derives from the Arabic "bilad al-sudan" or "land of the blacks". If the militants get their way, Sudan will become the first nation ever to have no name whatsoever, or possibly the title "The Nation Formerly Known as Sudan", or perhaps merely a pretentious little symbol. Who can say?

Not UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, that's for sure. Annan has just finished a tour of Darfur during which he entertained the crowds with a medley of old favourites including War — What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again!, but who took the opportunity to warn Sudan's government to drop its rebranding strategy "if only for the sake of the poor bloody cartographers who are still recovering from the break-up of the artist formerly known as Yugoslavia".

So, as Annan strums and croons his way around Sudan's battle-scarred west, let's throw a few facts onto the table and see if they lie snivelling like a Sudanese refugee or stand proud like an AK47-wielding raghead:

Sudan? I've heard of that

Yes, the British used to run it.

That's it, there was that bloke...

That's the one.

Spear, Khartoum, siege, triumph

Spot on — Malcolm of Khartoum. Top Brit hero.

You say we used to run it?

That's right. We handed it back to the locals in 1956.

Just as well, in the circumstances. Whose to blame now, then?

President Omar al-Bashir.

He'd be of the Arabic persuasion, would he?

Yup.

And him and his mates don't get on the with the Christian population?

You got it in one. And now they're out to kill the lot of them.

That's a poor show. Can't we step in and kick a few butts?

Absolutely not. You can't just go rolling tanks into other peoples' countries and taking them over because you don't agree with the regime.

You're right. Best thing we ever did, staying out of that nasty Rwanda business

Quite so.

But surely the humanitarian argument must override all political considerations

Not in this case.

Right. Sudan's got no oil, then?

It does — but it's too tricky to get at to justify a righteous intervention.

Bloody shame for the black population

It is, but the West is applying pressure to the regime.

Like what?

Strongly-worded letters from Colin Powell. Threatening to send in Bono. You get the picture.

I do. It's the big stick, then?

No messing.

Has it worked?

Not really.

So all the blacks will be killed?

Yes.

While we stand round and do nothing?

Yes.

Great stuff. Well, I'd love to sit here all night chatting about Sudan but Big Brother starts in a couple of minutes. Bye.

Bye.

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