Abi Titmuss in al-Qaeda terror ordeal

Highly-talented TV all-rounder Abi Titmuss has been seized by Islamic militants who have paraded the simpering former squeeze of Satan-worshipping John Lesley on a Middle Eastern cable TV channel, we can reveal.

Titmuss can be seen in the clip pleading for a proper presenting job as cackling ragheads wave copies of the News of the World over her head. At one point, Titmuss accidentally spreads her legs to reveal her knickers before squealing: "Ooops, silly me. I really must be more careful." She then attempts to remove her skimpy top before militants drag her kicking and screaming off camera.

The apparent leader of the terrorists — heavily disguised, presumably to protect his own television career from unfavourable association with the sizzling former nurse — soon returns into frame to issue this chilling warning: "If the United Kingdom does not remove all of its troops from Iraq before next Monday, we will be forced to return Titmuss unharmed to mainland Britain. Allah be praised!"

A British Foreign Office spokesman told The Rockall Times: "Whatever the consequences, we will never bow to terrorism. We do, however, appeal to Ms Titmuss' captors to do the decent thing and behead her on live TV."