Watchaid UK - A charity appeal

Dwight* is 33. A week ago he was a happy, carefree past-it footballer, speeding his car from training ground to nightclub and schtupping anything that moved. But that was before he lost one of the few things that gave his life any meaning: His £40,000 watch.

Dwight is now a shadow of his former self. Without his precious bling he'll never again be able to check when to get a round of overpriced drinks in before the nightclub closes. He won't be able to flash his diamond-encrusted timepiece to impress some impressionable blond slapper. When some townies start giving it some, he'll only have a chain, two earrings and some chunky rings to point to and shout "This is worth more than you are, you fuc*king peasant".

Every week, footballers like Dwight have their watches pinched, leave rope gold the price of a flat in Birmingham in the back of a cab, or mislay gold signet rings up the arses of roasted young women. They desperately need your help. This is why we at The Rockall Times have formed Watchaid UK. Just £10 a week from everyone who reads this will pay for a new bejewelled Rolex Oyster — after a few months or so.

Will you help Dwight in his hour of need? Already, support is flooding in from the world of football and beyond. Several ex-managers have sent messages although, due to their confidential nature, we can't show you how heartwarming they are. Many former team-mates answered our calls. Duncan Norvelle and Roger de Courcey have each pledged a fiver if we print their names. Atomic Kitten are thought to be reforming to pen a song for Watchaid UK — tentatively titled It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that bling — and sensational TV presenter Abi Titmuss has agreed to perform a sex act on another woman while being filmed by John Leslie high on the blood of virgins. Tickets for the orgy are available on our ticket hotline**.

Please, please, help us before it's too late.

*We could have changed names to protect the innocent, but we didn't.
**Calls cost £5 per minute and should last no more than 10 minutes. Tickets cost between £50 and £100. "VIP Punter" ticket holders (£102.50) get a complementary line of charlie and a quick bj from Titmuss. At least £1.50 from each ticket sold will go directly to Watchaid UK. Watchaid UK is a charity registered No. 0666 in the Democratic Republic of Congo.