Blair urged to come clean on WMD

In the light of the ongoing and quite baffling failure to discover any of the many thousands of Weapons of Mass Destruction™ in the US state of Iraq, British PM Tony Blair is being advised that the best thing for him to do now is to make a clean break and tell the British people to shove their questions and concerns where the sun don't shine.

"The current position is untenable," commented one lethargic source close to Number Ten. "Tony has had to listen to all this moaning about these weapons for months and months — years in fact. He's made it quite clear many times what he believes in, but some people don't seem to be listening. Quite frankly he's getting rather bored with it all so perhaps they should be bluntly told to get lost."

The Blair view taken so far has been that telling questioners to go to hell and stop bothering him would be taken as a sign of the weakness of his case. However, government polling data from the Rockall Times' sister organisation U Pay We Poll has come up with the results it was asked to obtain.

The VP in charge of bigging up politicos at U Pay We Poll — Alejandro Roberto — said: "This could be Blair's big chance. Tell the public that the whole thing about consultation was a mistake and that he shouldn't have even pretended to be interested in what they thought in the first place. It just might work. Just as long as he does it with enough force and a complete lack of humility."

But although Blair is said to be "considering" whether or not to tell the British public to take a running jump, he has rejected the use of crude language such as "sorry", "oops it was a bit of a mistake wasn't it", and "you win some, you lose some". On the other hand, telling them to "go fuc*k yourselves" is thought to have the right tough-guy ring about it.

A ex-spokesman for the prime minister who used to have a moustache but doesn't now pointed out: "Tony has effectively been giving out this message to public opinion ever since the attack on Iraq so we reckon it's now time to be open about it."

Deputy PM and bare-knuckle pugilist John Prescott endorsed the "straight-talking" option, telling our reporter: "I'll fookin' 'ave yer, yer fookin' southern basta'd" before attacking him with an enormous and very greasy doner kebab.

Meanwhile, chairman Jay Rockefeller of the US Senate Intelligence Committee — which last week lambasted the CIA for its dismal failures in the lead-up to Gulf War II™ — has rung The Rockall Times to congratulate the team who actually uncovered the terrifying truth about Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

"I want to thank y'all for getting it right from the start. If only we'd listened maybe the outcome would have been very different," Rockefeller said. When asked how he believed our analysis would have affected said outcome, he admitted: "Well, I could have been on the beach in Bermuda right now sucking a banana daiquiri through a straw instead of wasting my time giving a righteous ass-kicking to a bunch of spooks who couldn't find a whore in a Mexican bordello. By the way, would you consider running the CIA until we find someone capable of telling the difference between a nuclear weapons assembly facility and a powdered milk factory?"

We declined Rockefeller's kind offer, but did accede to his request that we republish the relevant extracts of our original WMD analysis "just so that those black helicopter jockeys can get some idea of how the friggin' thing is done," as Rockefeller put it.

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Revealed: Why we must bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age

Originally published Monday 17 February 2003

by Kim Lund and Graham Inglis

As the world staggers ever onwards towards the precipice of war with Iraq, we can exclusively reveal what your government is NOT telling you about Saddam Hussein's capacity for mass destruction.

We have discovered the truth behind those aerial surveillance photographs recently paraded by US hawks as a prelude to aggression. Chillingly, it appears that they had been doctored for fear that their true content might send millions of US citizens running like headless chickens to the nearest gas mask store.

It seems incredible that — at a time when the US and UK governments are struggling to rouse international enthusiasm for Gulf War II™ — the intelligence community has not already deployed these terrifying images.

Below are shown three of the doctored photographs as seen by the international media. Roll your mouse over for a look at the original, unexpurgated, truth. Click on any image for our own Rockall Times' intelligence experts' analysis: