Government pledges to dull down UK by 2009

In what has come as a great relief to the majority of right-thinking Britons, the government recently announced that just about everything is set to continue as OK, with just the occasional outburst of free speech to rock threaten the UK's boat of banality as it makes its way towards the final goal of complete dullness nationwide.

The Department of Political Correctness (DPC) has promised to reduce inappropriateness by 15 per cent by 2009, and ministers hope that if this target is reached, Britain will be completely dull. Most opposition MPs have supported the Government on this issue, though one described the ultimate dream of blanket dullness as "unworkable".

One rather bland minister told The Rockall Times: "We would like people to realise that they should be doing less of the sorts of things that we would like to see them doing less of. It's all about joined-up being."

Not everyone is clear exactly what the minister thinks people ought to be doing less of. One middle-ranking opposition MP told us over a hearty lunch: "I don't know... probably this, for a start,” indicating the cigar butts and the brandy glasses. "But they're too polite to say it, so they just form committees."

A "rainbow alliance" of left-wing Labour MPs, right-wing Tory MPs, artists and writers is beginning to emerge to challenge what they see as ludicrous interference in broadcasting, reminiscent of the bad old days when "Not bloody likely!" was considered a risqué line on stage. Leading comedy writer Archibald Diddums said: "It's all right to take the piss out of the French on Room 101 so why isn't it all right to take the piss out of the Welsh on Room 101? Eh?"

We managed to catch up with the minister charged with the emblandishment of Britain for a so-so lunch at McDonald's. Over the mineral water, we relayed Diddums' concern. The minister said: "If he needs to even ask the question, he's part of the problem, not part of the solution. We would like to be seeing more communities empowered with empowerment, so long as those communities were doing more of the sorts of things that we would like to see people doing more of. Which letter of 'inappropriate' doesn't he understand?"

The minister's predecessor, Dr Priss-Smart, was more forthcoming: "Stereotypes are based on truth, so if only a few people agree with a prejudice of yours, that wouldn't register on our radar, but if lots of people are thinking along the same lines, that's when it becomes a problem. What the DPC is trying to do is to make sure that the more people agree with you, the less you are allowed to say it. And we've come a long way on that."