Telcos limber up for emergency number free-for-all

The sounds of advertising budgets being stretched are resonating through the UK as the Government announces its latest phone number free-for-all.

From 1 October 2004, the 999 emergency number will be privatised, allowing companies to compete for the public's plaintive cries. This follows on from the privatisation of directory enquiries which took place earlier this year and has lead to a plethora of companies offering a directory service — many of which have proved at least half as good as the old BT service.

Under the new scheme all emergency numbers will start with 01999, with companies then being free to suffix their own set of digits. Competition for easily-remembered numbers has been fierce and once again "The Number 118 118" has snaffled the coveted "01999 01999" number. History has also repeated itself in the form of BT ending up with a rather crappy number in the form of "01999 999 7562 1999 1" — not perhaps the easiest set of numerals to dial in a blind panic.

"The Number 118 118" is expected to emerge as a front runner for the new service. The company managed to become the top directory enquiry provider by the simple expedient of spending more on its advertising than it could possibly ever hope to recoup.

It hasn't all been plain sailing however as their adverts featuring two handlebar-tash-and-mullet sporting saddos have lead to legal cases from a number of sporting heroes including David Seaman and David Bedford. The company also ran foul of watchdogs with its policy of deliberately stringing calls out in order to maximise profits. Director of communication, William Ostrom, has promised that his staff will not be trying this scam out desperate emergency number callers "unless it's a really tight month, budget wise".

The Government brushed aside any criticism of the new longer numbers when Home Secretary David Blunkett demonstrated he could dial several of the numbers with his eyes shut. In addition Government sources have pointed out that the longer numbers allow for calls to be more easily targeted to the correct service and provided the following table to demonstrate how the system might work:

Number	Category
01999 1	Hoax call — Lost TV remote
01999 12	Hoax call — TV picture a bit "wobbly"
01999 123	Hoax call — TV completely on the blink
01999 1231	Hoax call — Nothing good on TV
01999 1234	Hoax call — General
01999 12345	Hoax call — Fire
01999 123456	Hoax call — Had too much to drink
01999 12345666	Hoax call — Demonic possession
01999 1234567	Genuine Emergency
01999 12345678	Dialled number by mistake while trying to report genuine emergency
01999 12345*6789	Mistook phone for calculator
999	Premium rate "You didn't pay attention to the new emergency phone number national advertising campaign, did you?" service
01999-CIA	Emergency WMD hotline
01999-BLUNKETT	Emergency immigrant hotline
01999-PRESCOTT	Emergency dial-a-punch-up hotline
01999-TITMUSS	Emergency dial-an-orgy hotline
01999-BONO	Reserved for world leaders in need of instant roving rock punditry
01999-SHARON	24/7 emergency security barrier hotline
01999-BECKHAM	Emergency penalty-taking advice hotline
01999-DONER	Emergency dial-a-kebab hotline (Friday and Saturdays after 11pm)