Experts issue severe weather forecast warning

Following a week in which the British public was lashed by television forecasters' predictions of awful weather and then whipped into battered submission by after-the-storm quotations from hundreds of lucky survivors herded in front of local news' cameras, the question of a major change in the nature of forecasts has been raised.

Only 20 years ago, Michael Fish dismissed the "Great Storm" with a few low-key words and a gentle shrug of his pullover-clad shoulders. Now, even 30 mph gusts are pronounced life-threatening and an expected fall of more than 2mm of water merits comments on impending flooding and the likely drowning of tens of thousands.

Could Britain be heading for a more Mediterranean weather forecasting climate — whereby every day sees virtually the same forecast? In the case of Britain, however, it will not be a matter of just how hot the sun will get, but rather how many millions will die and how much carnage will be provoked by inclement meteorilogical conditions. Worryingly, the evidence points in that direction despite the fact that the UK's social fabric is simply not suited to handling relentless doom and gloom. In a society where most verbal intercourse is based on the phrase "Turned out nice again", the prospect of weather girls threatening people with snow in July is terrifying.

Things are all set to get even worse with television companies understood to be planning documentaries such as When Hailstones Attack and Volcanos in East Anglia — The Chilling Truth.

Experts say that the trend is due to carry on indefinitely. "It's all down to Global Warning," explained Dr Jeff Smart at the Royal Institute, "and in times like this viewers can expect more and more atrocious forecasts in a desperate attempt by TV companies to drum up interest."