Brazilian slavery: The shocking truth

Up to 25,00 thousand Brazilians are working as slave labourers, we can reveal. This is a story of people being treated not like animals, but worse than animals — a tale of human suffering in which thousands work in sub-human conditions for the rich; often for a few pence an hour and the chance of a bowl of gruel grabbed between savage beatings from so-called capos: a saga of human degradation so shocking it should not be read at one sitting by those who have not witnessed war atrocities — or worse — at first-hand.

One victim — who asked to remain anonymous — told The Rockall Times: "I start work at six in the morning. I have to pick potatoes until six in the evening, with only twenty minutes to eat my sandwiches. When I complained, I was put on the grading machine. No-one ever comes back from the grading machine."

Another visibly-shaken daughter of Samba said: "I get up at 3am and clean offices until seven. I am offered a pittance for this — not even enough to feed my habit for expensive shoes."

A group of nervous Brazilians agreed to meet us at a secret rendezvous. They promised to reveal the worst "capo" of all — a man so savage his name is spoken only in whispers among the terrified and huddled horde of disenfranchised migrant workers who feed this trade in suffering and pain. Their spokesman — who we have called "Jose" because that's the most Brazilian-sounding name we could think of without having to go to the bother of being more imaginative — revealed: "All of us have worked for this man and have suffered pain and humiliation as a result. I myself was thrashed to within an inch of my life after making a minor error. He regularly administers verbal and physical beatings, and yet he is hailed as a hero by the rich, even by the media."

And his name? "Gordon Ramsey," Jose stammered before breaking down completely and being led away by his companions.

"Oh not another bloody slavery/human misery/degradation story," whined one Home Office spokesman when we presented him with our dossier of shame. "Look — the UK economy relies entirely on Third World 'students' doing the jobs no self-respecting Brit would touch with a ten-foot pole. How do you think restaurants can afford to knock out top-quality nosh at under £50 unless there's some Filipino cleaning the pans with his tongue? And who do you think picks the effing potatoes you're eating, eh? Christ, if British farmers had to pay the minimum wage, spuds would be £40 a pound."

When we pressed the spokesman as to whether that figure should not now legally be rendered in kilos, he said: "No. I'm only making an example, which is not covered by EU law. Were I to say 'Get yer luverly spuds 'ere only 40 quid a paaand' then I would be guilty of proffering goods under imperial weights and measures, and would most surely pay the price."

The conclusions of his remarks are chilling: Your potatoes are picked by Brazilians who are paid 50p an hour and beaten with sticks for their trouble. Worse still, they must then be sold by the kilo to a public who neither suspect or care that their tubers are the end product of a slavery machine so savage that human eyes cannot bear to look upon it without the protection of expensive sunglasses assembled by five-year-old Indonesian children. Think about it.

Previously

• The Rockall Times' pocket guide to Brazil
• Immigrants: What every parent should know