Japan set to defy international whaling ban

Japan has given the International Whaling Commission four years to get its act together and has threatened to leave the organisation to resume full-time whaling across the globe if its demands are not met.

Japan is thought to particularly object to the IWC's moratorium on whaling which has seen Japanese scientists deprived of the 200,000 whale carcasses they require every year for "scientific research". The boffins are currently restricted to culling just a few hundred minke, sei, Bryde's and sperm whales per year although they have made some astonishing discoveries from their meagre resources.

One well-fed spokesman for the Japanese whale marketing board told The Rockall Times: "Our crack teams have already determined that minke tastes best, but that sperm whales make the best fritters. We also calculated that the less whales you have, the more they cost in restaurants. That's cutting-edge research at the very limit of what's currently possible. Give us another, say, 5 million whales a year and we'll give you some blinding facts back — plus affordable whale burgers for all."

The pro-whale (eating) lobby has the full support of some members of Japan's ruling Liberal Democratic party. Parliament member Yoshimasa Hayashi accused the tree huggers of regarding the whales as pets: "They know many whale stocks are abundant. In Japan we have pet dogs. But we don't tell the Koreans to stop eating dogs. Nor should people tell us to stop eating whales. Mind you, if we invaded Korea, we'd probably tell them to stop eating dogs on the spot. And as for Sunny D and microwaveable mini pizzas, Jesus H Christ, that stuff can kill you."

Meanwhile, whaling superpower Norway — which never supported the moratorium in the first place — has also threatened to take the harpoon to anything which moves across the world's oceans, pickle it in vinegar and eat it while swigging schnapps from the bottle. "What the fuc*k you going to do about it, eh?" enquired one visibly-drunken man wearing a viking helmet and skis in an Oslo whalemeat sushi bar. "Piss off back to Rockall, you fuc*king hippy."

We asked the Japanese embassy in London to comment on the whaling issue, but were told that the entire staff was at that moment out on the patio enjoying a panda meat and rhinoceros penis kebab.

Previously

• Jap discovered still fighting World Cup
• James Cameron's Midway set for Oscar glory
• Jap boffins to cross pig with cucumber and then accelerate it to Mach 7