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Slobodan Milosevic to buy Burton Albion

Deposed Serbian supremo Slobodan Milosevic may make a shock move for UK Conference League side Burton Albion, we can reveal.

Milosevic — currently on trial in the Hague for war crimes but expected to be released soon because he is "very poorly" — is reported to be considering a lightning takeover bid which would see the Brewers subjected to a radical management shake-up.

The former Serbian president favours a hard-line "Balkan" approach to administration similar in style to the Imperial Roman rule of Chelsea Czar Jose Mourinho. This includes random executions for breaches of discipline and the destruction of entire villages in pursuit of their footballing ambitions.

But while a Milosevic acquisition of Burton would undoubtedly bring many benefits in terms of financial stability, it would preclude the signing of certain players, including those of a Muslim or ethnic Bosnian persuasion. Mercifully, there are few affordable and talented Bosnian Muslims currently plying their trade around the Conference.

The news comes hot on the heels of the revelation that Adolf Hitler once owned a considerable stake in Accrington Stanley, although he later forfeited his shares due to "death as a result of Red Army intervention in the Third Reich".

Likewise, fun-loving Idi Amin secretly held 43 per cent of Manchester United during the 1970s where his chuckling face was a regular fixture among the heaving mob of red-shirted Mancunian fans. He was later deposed in a bloody coup by Colonel Alex Ferguson, and fled to Saudi Arabia.

Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat are rumoured to have an interest in the same club — Canvey Island — although the pair's boardroom battles have become the stuff of footballing legend. Arafat has apparently been confined to the visitors' dug-out for the last twelve months while Arafat constructs an enormous barrier down the centre line to "protect my half of the pitch".

A spokesman for the FA told The Rockall Times: "The acquisition of the UK's clubs by foreign dictators has a long heritage. After all, we let that that oily dago Mohammed al Fayed get a piece of Fulham, so I can't see any reason why Mr Milosevic shouldn't be a real asset to the game. As long as his credit's good, naturally."

When pressed on the matter of whether it was true that Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi would buy Crystal Palace as widely reported in the media, the spokesman added: "You must be bloody mad. His regime murdered a policewoman in Central London and blew up an airliner, for Christ's sake. You'd have to be some sad fuc*k to contemplate a business deal with Gaddafi."

Crystal Palace shares rose 437 per cent over the weekend at the news that someone who'd made a lot of money in oil might soon occupy the chairman's plump leather recliner.

Previously

• Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law
• Ger*i Halli*well to duet with Slobodan Milosevic
• That Arial Sharon war crimes trial in full
• Blair and Gaddafi: Inside the tent of destiny

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