There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times FAQ
  Monday 19th July 2004  Rockall   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

Rockall offers refuge to displaced civil servants

Sacred isle's magnanimous gesture
by Flash Gorman

In a magnanimous gesture the sacred isle of Rockall has offered refuge to the huge hordes of civil servants displaced by Gordon Brown's recent piggy bank rattling. Whilst admitting that the 83 by 100 foot barren lump of stone may become a trifle cramped, a spokesman for Rockall insisted that there would be room for everyone who wants to come — provided they can stack themselves into fairly high human pyramids.

The announcement has enabled environmentalists to breathe a sigh of relief. There was widespread concern, amongst tree huggers and the like, that huge hordes of nomadic civil servants wandering the country could have a huge environmental impact. Top yoghurt weaver David Bellamy explained the problem*: "Here we have a situation where a species is driven from its natural hunting ground, in this case London, and forced to more to a quite different area, in this case somewhere much, much cheaper than London.

"They will be deprived of their usual diet of bureaucracy and red tape and will have to adapt to their new surroundings. This could have a disastrous effect on the environment if they become feral and start to snatch mountains of paperwork from wherever than can obtain it. Even worse, they could displace the indigenous population of pen-pushers who are already endangered by vicious local council cuts."

In sad reflection of today’s society, some critics have suggested that Rockall's offer has a less philanthropic side and sought to question the true motives of the nations favourite granite lump. The Rockall spokesman has promised to address these accusations when he has finished launching the isle's new shopping centre. Leases already granted are thought to include one for a second-hand briefcase and pinstripe suit shop, as well as that for an exciting organic free-range meat pasties outlet."

* Please note that we have amended Dr Bellamy's speech to avoid his exhaustive wrestling with words such as bureaucracy and species.

Previously

 The Peoples' Republic of Rockall Heritage Paint Range