Courtney Love to star in Hell's Kitchen II

Infamous rock slut Courtney Love has been approached to take part in the reality show sequel Hell's Kitchen II — Revenge is a dish best served with chocolate sauce. The decision to put out feelers to the talented all-rounder follows the decision of Celebrity Chef Gordon "fuc*k fuc*k fuc*k" Ramsay to step down from the show.

Whilst Love is not particularly renowned for her culinary skills, sources close to the queen of sexual desperation have stated that she makes "a mean hash cake with vanilla and walnuts", and "the things she can do with a marrow will bring tears to your eyes".

Love, currently in hospital in America with a gynaecological problem commented: "You have never seen so much vaginal discharge. It's pouring out of me at the moment and don't half smell. Still, it'll make a good substitute for extra virgin olive oil on the show. After all, I am pure and chaste. Fancy a lick?"

Celebrity breast platform and winner of the first series of Hell's Kitchen Jennifer Ellison reacted disappointedly to the news. "If only they'd got her in on the first series — I'd have done her, even if she is a bit wiffy down there at the moment," she simpered. Runner-up James Dreyfuss, sitting with a courgette up his arse, could only recite lyrics from Love's band "Hole" by camply crooning "Good sister, bad sister, better burn that dress, sister".

We at The Rockall Times did try to access Hell's Kitchen I contestant Edwina Curry — currently carrying Gordon Ramsay's love child — but she was far too fousty and if we're honest, a bit dry.

Problematically for the mooted show, Miss Love has just handed herself in at an LA police station after a warrant was issued for her arrest following her failure to appear in court on charges which include illegal possession of prescription painkillers and attacking a woman with a torch while menacingly pouting lips bigger than those of Lesley Ash.

Miss Love found fame as the wife of the rock star and chair of the "American society for the safe use of guns (sawn-off shotgun branch)", Kurt Cobain but her career has been in decline since Mr Cobain had an accident whilst cleaning a particularly powerful water pistol in 1994 and blew his head off. Since this dramatic event which sent all of the grunge-loving world into a haze of self-indulgent tears, Miss Love has been romantically linked with Russell Crowe, Jenna Jameson, Kofi Annan, David Beckham and Cherie Blair with Mrs Blair apparently having the biggest cock of the lot.

Previously

• Recipe of the week: Henman Surprise
• Woman has sex with man despite inadequate kitchen
• Kill yourself online and win big prizes