Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Our guest columnist Abi Titmuss We at The Rockall Times are delighted this week to welcome guest advice columnist Abi Titmuss — the multi-talented former nurse who has just secured a job as regular sex pundit on Men's Maximum Health magazine.

Abi — who learned her trade while working on video projects with ex-squeeze John Leslie — has kindly agreed to address just some of the problems which regularly land in our Rockall agony inbox. Please be aware that Abi cannot answer letters personally, unless they're offering her a TV presenting job. Take it away Abi:

DEAR ABI: I've got myself into a bit of a pickle. My boyfriend and I recently got into a bit of a threesome with a young lady during which I was forced to snort cocaine and pleasure the other woman orally as my devil-worshipping partner drank the blood of virgins and videoed the whole sordid affair while masturbating furiously over my pert breasts.

The media got hold of the tape and are threatening to print stills from the orgy. The problem is, I have no idea how much I can expect to earn from either the images or an accompanying kiss-and-tell. Abi, London.

ABI SAYS: You need a good agent. The images should be worth around £50k, and your story around £100k, assuming that you're ready to go into unnecessary detail. For example: "I then performed a sex act on the panting Leslie while he beat his stable of virgin bitches with a barbed-wire whip" should get you the sort of figure you're looking for. Good luck.

DEAR ABI: I'm an up-and-coming TV personality and have attended no less than 143 film premieres and parties in the last three months in an attempt to raise my profile. Sadly, I have not been able to attract any press interest. Where am I going wrong? Abi, London.

ABI SAYS: It likely that you're simply not dressing the part and exiting you vehicle in the right way. First rule: tits out. If your bust is smaller than a B-cup, get a boob job. Then make sure that your dress allows at least one nipple to pop out at an inopportune moment. Rule two: no knickers. Get out of your car like a bow-legged strumpet and flash a bit of beef curtain. You'll have the paparazzi sniffing round you like voyeurs round an upshot before you can say "exposure". Your agent will give you further advice on candid topless beach shots and other ways to get in the tabloids.

DEAR ABI: I'm a talentless former nurse who wants to break into TV. Unfortunately, all I've really done is a bit of girl-on-girl porn video work and flashed my tits a few times in the papers. Any suggestions? Abi, London.

ABI SAYS: Yes. Try to get yourself onto a TV reality show after which you can sell your behind-the-scenes revelations to the highest bidder. Flash your tits and knickers around at every available opportunity, get your kit off on a foreign beach, brag about how you love sex and would like to suck off every bloke in Britain if only you had time between masturbating sessions on hotel balconies and then wait for a men's magazine to offer you a job as a sex columnist. Works every time.

Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist

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