Fab West London Tories wow UK

For the past week the nation's gaze has been inexorably drawn like John Prescott to a free pork pie stall to the collection of fresh political talent in the ranks of the Conservative Party.

Named the Notting Hill Group — due to their not only having seen the Hugh Grant film of the same name at the cinema but having actually bought the DVD — the coalition's demands for diversity and calls for the party to embrace inclusivity have come like a breath of alpine meadow air-freshener in a particularly smelly public convenience.

For too long the Tories have been regarded as a bunch of stuck-up rich toffs with little understanding of ordinary people. But this collection of individuals from London W11 could be about to redefine the right-wing paradigm. Determined to bend the nation to their will, only the tiresome "bed-blockers" prevent an old and out-of-touch bunch of red-faced Tories being swept away for a new and out-of-touch bunch of red-faced Tories.

So who are they then this bunch of multifaceted and multi-cultural ordinary Joe eggheads with the power to reconstruct the UK? Read on...

Jaspar von Strudel III

Educated initially at Harrow, von Strudel was a brilliant student at Oxford despite failing all his exams. He then went on to have a successful career as a merchant banker before being adopted as Conservative Party candidate for Pimms South last year. Fiercely Euro-sceptic, von Strudel always holidays in Barolo with others from the Notting Hill Group. He shot to obscurity as a policy adviser to Ian Duncan Smith's wife's dog trainer. Credited with devising the Tories' award-winning policy on litter in the community. Godfather to Henry Blofeld's charming sons Tish and Pish. His father is very rich - however von Strudel explains that "money has never meant much to me". Aged 35.

Henry Blofeld

Educated initially at Eton, Blofeld was a brilliant student at Cambridge despite not getting in. He then went on to have a successful career as something in the City before being elected as Conservative MP for Waitrose in 2001. Fiercely Euro-sceptic, Blofeld always holidays in Rubella with others from the Notting Hill Group. He rose to irrelevance as a policy adviser to Mega Corp in their fight over the liberation of natural gas reserves from the indigenous Tweenie tribe of Oompah Loompah. Credited with increasing his own salary immensely. Godfather to Nigel Grove's adorable daughter Arabella. His father is extremely rich — however Blofeld explains that "as a regular sort of guy money means nothing to me". Aged 35.

Nigel "Fatty" Grove

Educated at Harrow, Grove was a brilliant student at Oxford despite being sent down for bestiality. He went on to have a successful carrier as barrister before being elected as MP for All Bar One in 2001. Fiercely Euro-sceptic, Grove always holidays in Baklava with others from the Notting Hill Group. He was the man in charge with defacing photos of Tony Blair at the last General Election. Credited with being the brains behind the Tories' award-winning policy of destroying the homes that asylum seekers have been allocated. Godfather to Stapleford Abbots precocious son Galaxy. His father is obscenely rich however Grove explains that "I've always had to work for what I've got". Aged 35.

Stapleford Abbots

Educated at Eton, Abbots was a brilliant student at Cambridge despite not learning anything. He then went on to have a successful career as PR commentator before being elected as MP for Executive Homes in a by-election in 2002. Fiercely Euro-sceptic Abbots always holidays with others from the Notting Hill Group in Tiramisu. Credited with thinking up the Tory plan to invade suburbia using "dirty" bombs. Godfather to Grove's adopted daughter Narcotic. His father has so much money he doesn't have a clue what to do with it all — however Abbots explains that "I have found my background more of a hindrance than a help". Aged 35.

Rachel Totteridge

Educated at Roedean, Totteridge was a nasty little suck-up creep at Bristol and went on to have a successful career as a wine bar designer. The only woman in the Notting Hill Group; a mistake that only happened because the others failed to notice her gender due to over-consumption of hard drugs. Credited with far too much. Always holidays in Folkestone. Godmother to von Strudel's incredibly odd-looking son Ringit. Age 35.

Previously

• Conservatives will win next election: Official
• Tories to unleash stand-up comedy onslaught
• 96 dead as Tory Party burns to the ground