Blunkett announces radical alternative to ID cards

The Home Office yesterday announced plans to make all UK citizens report to their local police station each morning for a roll call. The decision comes in the wake of the Common's Home Affairs Committee's report which criticised plans for the forthcoming national ID card. The new scheme, which has been supported by a lengthy campaign in the Daily Mail, replaces the hi-tech Osama-busting cards with good old-fashioned face-to-face police work.

Speaking at a press conference, the home secretary David Blindgit responded angrily to allegations of a U-turn. "Yes, I did say that making people carry a little piece of plastic would prevent terrorism and illegal immigration. And I stand by that," he said when questioned. "It would also cure cancer and AIDS, plug the hole in the ozone layer, and make everybody in the UK a millionaire. It's just that we can have all the same benefits much sooner by investing the money in a few extra bobbies."

Full details of the scheme have not yet been released, but a Home Office insider told The Rockall Times that it would involve every UK citizen over the age of 12 going to their local police station at 8am and standing in line until their name was called. There would also be an opportunity each morning for terrorists to give themselves up. During the daily roll call, police officers would visit every house in the UK. Anybody found at home would be immediately exported for being an illegal immigrant. Either that, or garrotted under the terms of the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

Asked about the inspiration for the new scheme, Mr Blindgit told reporters: "It had been staring us in the face all the time. There are around ten million school children in this country and how do we keep track of where they are? Not with retina scans or implanted microchips — marvellous as such things would be — but by making them say 'Yes, Miss' in a bored voice twice a day."

Civil liberties campaigners have described the idea as "bonkers". However, the Home Office rejected such criticism. "The only outstanding issue," a spokeswoman told us, "is where we're going to find the ten million extra police officers needed to make the scheme work." When asked what the solution would be, she told us, "We're thinking of asking the Belgians to do it. There's about ten million of them, and they seem pretty trustworthy."

Previously

• Public applaud new-look RoboBlunkett
• Police slap cuffs on Blunkett impersonator
• Immigrants blast Blunkett blather