Playing the Field — an Introduction (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Hello. As Coach of the English football team, as well as internationally-acclaimed ambassador for the beautiful game, people are continually asking me for advice on how to improve their playing skills. It is with this in mind that I bring you, beloved readers of The Rockall Times, my tricks and tips for the sport I have dedicated my life to. Yes indeed, whether it comes to dribbling around the box or scoring while playing away, I believe that my simple list of pointers will guide you to sporting success. Good luck!

Introduction

Always remember: great exponents of the beautiful game are made, not born. Don't give up hope of being the envy of thousands of pubgoers simply because you suffer a few knock-backs. Perseverence is the key to sporting success.

Equipment

Any self-respecting professional sportsman will need a large number of mobile phones, one for each lovely lady. Writing their name on the phone is a handy reminder not to call "Faria", say, "Nancy" by mistake. Bloody hell, that was a tough weekend.

Ladies always appreciate quality bedding. Ideally one's bed should be circular, with rotating function, smoked mirrors, vibro-massage facility and Swedish meatball dispenser. On the other hand — and if you don't earn an enormous salary as I do — then some slappers will do it in the Old Trafford bogs. Allegedly.

Diet

Never underestimate the importance of diet on your perfomance. As a traditionalist of the 'Old School' footballing generation, I always say you can't beat Asti Spumanti, smoked herring and powdered rhino horn. However, beggars cannot be choosers in some circumstances, and the standard of canapés at FA functions has improved a bit in the last year.

Above all, I would advise up-and-coming players to avoid the "Saturday night roast" — much beloved of the younger professionals. Court appearances can seriously cramp you style.

Practice

I maintain that the mental approach is paramount in preparation, and one should always study one's potential conquest (favourite bars, food, positions, etc) rather than try and perfect the physical side of things from a cold start. Beside which, you don't want to waste your time in the company of Old Mother Fist and her Five Daughters if you can help it. Or, as we used to say in Sweden "throttling the herring".

Positioning

"Always know where the goal is" is a useful mantra to remember for all players, whether defensive or in a more attacking role. Be considerate and always ask if she takes it up the nipsy. Study the old masters — I particularly recommend George Best and his legendary "blonde sandwich" manoevre.

Ball control

Practice makes perfect, the old saying goes, and I'm a keen exponent of continually honing my skills. Never shoot before you have the goal in sight and remember — if you're feeling a bit jaded then try kicking your balls around a new pitch for a couple of days. A change of scenery works wonders and it's always lovely to move your balls around an unfamiliar box.

Dead-ball set-plays

Can sometimes be tricky, especially when you are expected to shoot after 90 minutes of relentless end-to-end play and are faced with a hostile opposition formed into a scowling wall of cross-legged opponents. My advice is simple: deploy more champagne and canapés in the hope that your stamina will recover sufficiently, and that your adversary will relax sufficiently to drop her guard, for another poke at goal.

Internationals

Don't be intimidated by the prospect of testing your skills against foreigners. Once I had perfected my abilities in the domestic arena, I felt confident to take on Italy and England at the highest level. Don't, however, ever turn your back on the joy of the good, old-fashioned, domestic fixture.

4-4-2

Remember this magic equation at all times: it's the ratio of salary (in millions of pounds) to number of clubs currently vying for one's services to the total totty currently riding the Scandinavian spam javelin. Gooooooal!

Flexibility

It's far too easy to simply stick to your game plan when all the indications are that a radical new approach is called for. If, for example, you find your opponent reduced to ten men after 40 minutes of brutal combat, then there is little or nothing to be gained from pulling all of your resources back into the box. Indeed, no matter how stiff your defence, the plucky Latins will eventually drain your reserves. Accordingly, try to move out of the box and beyond the half-way line. Only then do you stand some chance of progressing to the next round.

Away matches

Always keep you guard up when playing away, since the locals will be keen to catch you off your guard. If, for instance, you are England coach, then be careful not to get snapped having lunch with representatives of Stamford Bridge. Equally, if you're going to give a length of Swedish sausage to a bow-legged FA strumpet, don't get pictured leaving the hotel with her. Sounds like common sense? You give it a go.

Discipline

It's far too easy — when confronted with a hysterical Italian who has just taken a dive in the hope that the referee with red card you — to protest your innocence at great and tedious length. Far better to suggest a friendly handshake and a trial separation during which you both move to you respective ends of the pitch.

Summary

The most important thing, of course, is to have fun. If you are not enjoying yourself when indulging in the beautiful game, then the whole point of this noble pursuit is lost. Remember: it's not the winning that counts, it's how you play the game. Good luck!

Next week

How to win friends, influence people and get paid £4m for the privilege.

Playing the Field — an Introduction