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  Monday 2nd August 2004  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Home Office plans major prison shake-up

Substantial improvement in conditions expected
by Ian Walker

Following recent government plans to give people more choice in where they go for medical care and where they send their children to school, the Home Office announced yesterday that it will soon be offering a greater range of options to convicted prisoners facing prison. From February 2005, people found guilty of crimes will be able to choose which prison they want to attend for their punishment. They will also be able to decide exactly how long they are banged up for and whether or not they will have to play "find the soap" with fellow inmates.

"We surveyed over a thousand prisoners," said Marcus Hedgebrook, the junior Home Office minister responsible for the scheme, "and the overwhelming response was that nobody was happy with a judge deciding where, when and how they would be incarcerated. Instead, prisoners wanted much more control over the location and form of their punishments. Some even said they fancied trying out the death penalty if we could arrange it!" he added with a chuckle.

But when The Rockall Times spoke to prisoners who took part in a pilot scheme for the project, many proved to be sceptical. Godfrey "Pincers" Malloy, currently serving four days in HMP Dartmoor for the double murder of his wife and her lover, was typical. "You just don't know what you're getting until it's too late," he wailed. "Their brochure said there was a Jacuzzi and satellite TV in every cell, but that turned out to be complete rubbish — my TV only has a Freeview box. How are we supposed to make an informed choice if the prisons are allowed to make false claims in their advertising?"

Back in the Home Office, Marcus Hedgebrook refuted the claim that prisons were misleading potential clients with their prospectuses. "Sure, these are advertising documents and so they're going to put the best possible spin on things," he told us yesterday. "But you have my personal assurance that anybody facing prison will be making a fully informed decision about what they will find there."

Mr Hedgebrook denied that the proposed new system was in any way related to his upcoming trial for fraud.

We at The Rockall Times would like to thank Mr Hedgebrook for his recent offer to quash our many outstanding speeding tickets.

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