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Rooney romance speculation reaches critical mass

Merseyside luminary and Shrek doppelganger Wayne Rooney is in the midst of a personal storm following revelations that the tubby teenage terror may have cheated on his long-time beloved with a money-obsessed prostitute. These events have led to mass outrage in Liverpool and more broken crockery and glasses than at a Scouse kids' birthday party.

Although the inspiration for the main character in Sex Lives Of The Potato Men is understood to have been "going steady" with his precious for several years, the recent revelations are believed to have tested the patience of his beloved to a degree equivalent to that of Rooney's tremendous thighs inside a regulation-size pair of boy's shorts.

The unhappy couple met years ago when the so-called "Bard of Croxteth" was still old enough to be skiving off from school every day. Though shy, the gum-gnashing preteen was persuaded to begin a deep and apparently meaningful relationship with the lovely Everton. There was no money at the time for treats or days out for the pair and those who knew the couple spoke of the hours spent together. Soon Rooney was spending all his free time round Everton's house at Bellfeld and pledged his future to the poor but dishonest wretch in what was understood by relatives to be a serious commitment.

But last year the walking warning about the growing obesity crisis in our kids apparently had various assignations on the East Lancs road with the pimp of a hooker with no heart but plenty of gold — known as Red. Sources close to the balding teen insist that it was a chance encounter at three in the morning in the back of a Mercedes in a service station car park, but many remain unconvinced.

Witnesses spoke of a swap of bodily cash and much groaning with pleasure as a large exchange of money was discussed.

Our elite Rockall Times investigative team tracked down the man accused of acting as Red's pimp to his secret hideaway in the United States. The man who cannot be named because that would be too obvious turned puce and told us to fuc*k off before beating a waiter to death with a bronze statue of a racehorse.

But for now the accusation that "Wayne just can't keep his pants on — he'll be out of blue short and into a pair of red ones before you can say hundred grand signing-on fee" looks spookily accurate.

Previously

• Tearful Rooney fiancée relives birthday nightmare
• Wayne Rooney avoids murder rap red card
• Your cut-out-and-keep Wayne Rooney Factfile

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