Weary scientists reclassify tomato as a vegetable

An international group of biologists yesterday agreed to end their decades-old nitpicking insistence that the tomato is a fruit. From now on, we are free to call it a vegetable if we please, given that it so clearly looks like one. The move has been warmly welcomed by democracy groups as a sign that the Establishment is prepared to listen to the voice of the common person. It is not yet clear whether the concession also covers cucumbers and mushrooms.

"Fine, whatever!" declared Professor David Wrigley as he announced the momentous verdict to an expectant crowd. "You lot never listen to a word we say so from now on you can call it whatever you bloody well please. Perhaps next year you'd like us to say the dolphin is a fish?" he added, although his further comments were drowned out by sustained cheers.

Surprisingly, even a decision as obviously correct and overdue as this one has attracted a degree of criticism. James Flax, a representative of the philosophers' union Pensée Internationale, told The Rockall Times: "Where will it end? Are we to abandon rational scientific concepts just because people are too lazy to pay attention to them? Should we just let people believe any notion that pops into their heads, even when all the evidence says they are wrong? It's madness. It's democracy gone mad!"

But Mr Flax's comments do not represent the feelings of the wider scientific community. Instead, researchers around the world have welcomed with relief the end of their long and futile struggle against popular ignorance. Famed astronomer Douglas Chad immediately announced that he no longer saw any objection to the idea of super-intelligent aliens who could travel faster than light but who could only communicate by vandalizing crops and cattle. The National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) has recommended that homeopathy, cupping, ear candles, angel therapy and "whatever the hell you lot dream up next" be made available on the NHS. Uri Gellar and Mystic Meg are widely tipped to be elected King and Queen of Britain within the month.

Previously

• Boffins sever conventional wisdom with top-secret shaving project
• England will win major football tournament before heat death of universe, scientists predict
• Scientists boast of 'fully functional' cigarette machine by 2050