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This week's unsubstantiated rumours in full

Fish reported in Swansea

Fish have been reported swimming at night in Swansea harbour, close to the leisure centre. "I expect they're the salmon," said a local enthusiast, referring to a batch of small fry who escaped from Loch Moodie five weeks ago and were last seen splashing in Morecambe Bay. "Their droppings could be dangerous," warned DEFRA.

Boardrooms in pensions meltdown

Three out of five blue-chip company directors may not receive their full pension it was revealed today. The average shortfall is estimated at 21 per cent, or up to £320,000 a year, opening a big hole in many of the best-laid retirement plans. "The underlying problem is low growth," explained Melvin Gross, outgoing chairman of ailing conglomerate Kleinz Rottwell. "This can be offset by more frequent pay-offs. But that's not an option available to all." His message to the boardroom is clear: "Downsize your expectations, unless of course you have the consistent ability to turn a success story around."

Bush tells Blair 'Hands Off!'

The holiday summit at the former fishing village of St Alwell, planned as an opportunity for the two Western leaders to relax and compare notes before re-election, took an unexpected turn as the president told Mr Blair to "back off". The crisis erupted when the prime minister helped himself to the last remaining scone at yesterday's bilateral cream tea in the heavily guarded seaside retreat. "That one had George's name on it," said a White House spokesperson. Plans for the next attack on the international bastions of terror were shelved as desperate aides scrambled to bake more.

Autism linked to poor performance

In a brand new study by the University of Cambridge autism was linked to poor performance at school, especially in Geography. The report has drawn heavy criticism. "I completely disagree with it," said an autist. However when asked to name the capital of Madagascar he hesitated. The young authors are sticking to their findings. "But we need more money to establish exactly what kind of a link it is and how big it is," they explained.

Northwest Passage congested

It is still possible to get to the Northwest but you have to hurry. Only a few parking spaces left. Shops shut at 6pm on Tuesdays.

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