BBC News to deploy child pundits

The BBC is to assemble a crack team of children aged between three and 16 to provide comment and analysis on all its news programmes.

Samantha Buckle, head of the BBC’s News and Current Affairs Unit, denied that this was a cynical attempt to grab viewers. Instead, she insisted, children had repeatedly proved that they could provide unique and valuable insights into current events.

"I first realised the importance of children’s views on current affairs when I was working in Northern Ireland," said the buxom Ms Buckle. "A family had just watched three men burst into their house and shoot their father dead because he was rumoured to be passing information to the police. I decided to interview a group of 13-year-olds who lived nearby. One of them told me: 'I think it's, like, y'know, really bad,' and another expressed the wish that people should 'just not, y'know, hate each other so much'. These were concepts that would simply never have occurred to me otherwise. Hearing such observations profoundly changed the way I viewed the sectarian conflict. I realised we needed far more interviews with children on the news."

To illustrate her point, the distinctly pneumatic Ms Buckle showed us several video clips from other interviews. In one, a boy of ten tackled the difficult issue of sustainable transport policy by describing how cars of the future might "run off air or something" rather than fossil fuels. His sister suggested that, alternatively, railway lines might be laid to each house in the country.

Another report came from a County Durham town on the day its last mine closed, leaving thousands of families facing the prospect of poverty and drug-fuelled crime. Analysis was provided by a four-year-old blonde girl who, when asked what she thought of the development, giggled and hid her face in her father's armpit.

The new scheme will begin on next Friday’s Ten o'clock News. If it shows even the slightest hint of success then executives from every other TV company will doubtless copy the idea before you can say "vacuous and irrelevant". The BBC itself has not denied rumours that it might devote a whole digital channel to children's opinions on the news. Either way, never before has the BBC quite so lived up to its affectionate nickname of "Mum".

We at The Rockall Times wanted to see what children themselves thought of the BBC's proposals so we sent Adam Pitts, our newest reporter, to the playground of St Bernard’s Primary School in Midsomer Norton. Unfortunately, local police were unconvinced by his professed reasons for being there and Mr Pitts is now in custody until his trial under "Jacko's Law" begins next month.

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