Scientists develop first 'intelligent' jockey

Geneticists in Leicestershire have developed the first “smart” jockey, capable of riding a horse without beating it with a stick. The development — once denounced as "impossible" by scientists who noted that "a jockey's whip is not like a lizard's tail. Once the jockey has lost his whip it can never grow back, and he soon withers and dies" — will turn around centuries of prejudice against jockeys, who have long been seen as violent dwarves with a grudge against animals whose only crime is to be tall, well-hung and lusted after by young girls.

Dr Andrew Malleus, head of the research team, told The Rockall Times: "In the past, the only qualifications for being a jockey were that you were very short and could hit something repeatedly. A modified cymbal-banging monkey toy would have been the perfect rider.

"Our new 'smart' jockey is short but with the violent streak removed through genetic manipulation."

When pressed, Dr Malleus admitted that the new jockeys were only "smart" in relation to standard jockeys, and would still have a difficult time, for example, attracting women or reaching for things off shelves.

John McCririck’s left sideburn is said to have warmly welcomed the development. It would therefore be churlish of us to exclusively reveal — having once walked into him in York Station — that John McCririck is far from being a giant himself.

Previously

• Scientists complete rice DNA map, move onto potatoes
• Jap boffins to cross pig with cucumber and then accelerate it to Mach 7
• Scientists predict 'definitive' list of predictions by 2003