Abi Titmuss' fury at Sven rumpy-pumpy slur

Buxom Abi Titmuss — the highly-talented former nurse, porn TV presenter and ex-squeeze of Satanic drug abuser John Leslie — has hit out at Faria Alam's sensational FAgate kiss-and-tell which occupied no less than 10,000,000 column inches of a UK Sunday tabloid.

Titmuss was relegated to page 43 of the steamy edition — despite carelessly allowing her bikini top to fall off revealing her pert, succulent breasts during a yachting holiday in the South of France during which her vessel accidently drifted in the path of a cruise liner packed with British paparazzi on their yearly Mediterranean summer break. The remainder of the newspaper was given over entirely to Alam's sizzling revelations that she had orally pleasured Sven Goran Eriksson while he counted his wages for the week — a feat which took "several days" according to the bow-legged and exhausted beauty.

"Abi's absolutely furious," confirmed her agent. "Page 43 for a tits-out yacht shot is just taking the piss. Faria Alam made the front page and she's never even flashed her knickers getting out of a car or drunk from the furry cup while being taken from behind by her coke-fuelled boyfriend weilding a video camera. Mind you, the 'Deep Throat' bit of the article was a cracker. Does Alam have an agent?"

Titmuss, meanwhile, fought back today by faxing every UK newspaper her itinerary for the remainder of August. It reads:

• 11 August: Nautical opportunity off St Tropez. High probability of Ms Titmuss' bikini top parting company with her breasts.
• 15 August: Ms Titmuss to exit car at London's Met Bar. Legs will be spread. Knickers on/off tbc.
• 18 August: Ms Titmuss to be seen strolling hand-in-hand through London park with latest flame (name tbc). Fully-clothed intimate romantic moments.
• 22 August: Ms Titmuss to attend film premiere (details tbc) dressed in sensational see-through black silk dress held together with four staples, exiting car with legs apart. No knickers. Nipples erect.
• 28 August: Ms Titmuss to enjoy intimate private lunch with Sven Goran Eriksson at secret Central London restaurant with uncurtained plate-glass windows facing busy street at pavement level. May demonstrate "Deep Throat" technique with large stick of asparagus.

Back in the South of France, one british holidaymaker who witnessed the whole Titmuss/yacht/bikini/breasts incident told The Rockall Times: "Abi looked absolutely stunning and is in prefect shape. So why can't she put her fuc*king clothes on and piss off somewhere else so I can get on with my holiday in peace?"

Previously

• Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist
• Abi Titmuss in al-Qaeda terror ordeal
• I'll be your whore in the kitchen: Abi Titmuss
• Abbi Titmuss: I want to bed Britney and Osama bin Laden