Blunkett snatches world record

Home secretary David Blunkett last week stunned the athletics world by breaking the knee jerk reaction world record, just days before the start of the Olympics. In an outstanding display of independent thinking Mr Blunkett managed to propose legislation preventing criminals from playing the National Lottery less than a minute after the Sun condemned a £7m Lotto win by a convicted rapist.

A spokesman for Mr Blunkett said that the knee jerk could have been even quicker but there was a slight delay as the story had to read aloud to Mr Blunkett. When The Rockall Times enquired if in future Mr Blunkett might consider obtaining a Braille copy of the Sun, the spokesman informed us that the story had to be read out "because last time he got hands-on with the Sun he got so excited by Page Three stunna Anna from Colchester that his trousers were tented out for a week and the poor old bugger couldn't think straight. And not being able to think straight is a bad thing in a home secretary".

Whilst this incredible achievement makes Blunkett a favourite for the Knee Jerk title in Athens — where he will also compete in the "Blind man's bluff" — he is still going to face some tough competition. His main rival for the crown will be George Bush — the man who already holds the world record for "hiding in nuclear bunkers during national crises". Mr Blunkett appears confident, however, explaining his philosophy for the games will be: "Don't think, just react!"

Mr Blunkett left for Athens in the small hours of Friday morning but found that his loyal fans still managed to get to the airport for a rousing send-off. Particularly vocal were a large group of police officers who were expressing their joy at Mr Blunkett finally giving them powers to arrest suspected litterers and people whistling too loudly or out of tune.

One PC, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed the general mood: "Whilst we at the police are, like everyone else, impressed at the home secretary's virtual elimination of all serious crime, there was a slight concern that this might lead to redundancies. However, by allowing us to target a whole new strata of criminal behaviour Mr Blunkett has guaranteed us a future."

In Blunkett's absence, Home Office ministers will draft the emergency legislation which will prevent unpleasant people from reaping the benefits of big lottery jackpots. A flunkey told us: "Every win over £50 will be put to an independent arbitration panel made up of readers of the Dail Mail and Sun. If this jury doesn't like the cut of their jib, they won't get the cheque. Simple as that."

When pressed as to whether the Home Office would issue guidelines as to who might be considered an unsuitable benefactee of lady luck, the spokesman said: "Not really. These things change from month to month. I mean, rapists aren't exactly popular at present, but who's to say that a serial offender might not rescue a particularly fluffy kitten from a gang of Albanian paedophiles bent on barbecuing the little mite? That could then provoke a complete change of tack from the Daily Mail vis-à-vis rapists. You can see that it would be impossible to issue hard-and-fast rules."

Finally, we asked the besuited government operative if it might not be better to prevent criminals from buying lottery tickets in the first place. "Oh dear, oh dear," he chuckled. "To date we've raised £17m towards the voluntary ID card scheme from syndicates of convicted murderers alone. Kiddie fiddlers have thrown another £1.2m into the pot, so if those currently enjoying a stay at Her Majesty's pleasure want to have a flutter, they're more than welcome. I just hope that Kenneth Noye's numbers never come up. If he's finds out he's been fiddled, there'll be hell to pay."

We attempted to contact accomplished murderer Noye yesterday to ask him about his £22-a-week syndicate of armed blaggers and gold hijackers but were told: "Ken can't come to the phone at the moment. He's just won a tenner on a scratchcard so him and the lags are celebrating by betting a fiver on the gee-gees at Doncaster and blowing the rest in an online casino. Can he call you back?"

Previously

• Public applaud new-look RoboBlunkett
• Blunkett demands harsh penalty for Ecstasy infant
• Blunkett puts cannabis on National Curriculum