Those UK Olympic prospects in full (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

We at The Rockall Times are delighted this week to mark the start of the Athens Olympics with our essential cut-out-and-keep guide to Britain's medal prospects.

Our manifest of highly-motivated talent shows all the signs of securing the nation a record tally, although some recent retirements and injuries mean that we will struggle in key events which we have traditionally dominated. Read on:

Tennis

UK No.1 "Tiger" Tim Henman has been beset by injury problems which have prevented the ferocious competitor from achieving his full potential at the highest level of the game. Excuses already lined up for crashing out of this campaign yesterday include "my shoelaces came undone", "the sun was too bright" and "the dog ate my racket".

Shooting

The UK and US go head-to-head to take the honours in this demanding team event. America expected to dominate the "Helicopter gunship" class with its superb performance in Najaf, although gritty Brits are knuckling down in the freestyle category with a couple of bullseyes in Basra.

Women's football

A cracking start by team coach Nancy Dell'Ollio who secured a thrilling extra-time win against Faria Alam when she dramatically wrested control of Sven Goran Eriksson from the dusky strumpet. Likely, however, to go out on penalties in the semis when Sven finds another bowed-legged hussy into which he can dip his throbbing Swedish sausage.

Blind man's bluff

UK home secretary David Blunkett is in a class of his own in the twilight world of political shenanigans. Pundits predict that Blunkett will carry off gold for his peerless voluntary/compulsory ID card scheme — something that no-one takes particularly seriously but will certainly hit home when most of Britain's population is in cattle trucks heading for "relocation" in the east. Blunkett will also contest the demanding "Knee Jerk" — full details here.

Spinathlon

With Alistair Campbell now in retirement, there is no worthy successor to the man who stunned the crowds at the last Commonwealth Games when he "made an election promise, immediately broke it, and then convinced the public that it had never existed in the first place", as we reported at the time.

Hip replacement marathon

Around 7,000 British octogenarians are expected to take part in this crowd-pleaser. Open to all those over eighty who have been waiting ten years or more for an essential NHS operation, this event offers the first through the tape after a gruelling 26-mile jog the immediate attention of a waiting surgical team. The losers go back to the bottom of the waiting list.

Tabloid headline outrage sprint

Nobody does outrage quite like the UK's tabloids, and our world-beating squad is led this time around by the Daily Mail which recently wowed the public with it's reaction to the news that a convicted rapist has won £7m on the UK lottery. "WHAT THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUC*KING HOLY IS GOING ON?" the paper screamed, adding "ALBANIAN PAEDOPHILES BARBECUE DECORATED WAR HERO'S CAT" on page three for good measure. Pure class.

Fruit machine anecdotalism

Britain already holds the world fruit machine anecdote title and the nation's pubgoing gamblers are widely acknowledged to be peerless when it comes to boring people senseless with entertaining stories about how they "took the jackpot off the frutie down at the kebab shop after some old boy had been playing it for three hours but turned his back for a second to put some extra chilli sauce on his kleftiko and so I banged in a quid and bingo!" Certain gold.

Binge drinking

The conditions are perfect for a UK triumph in this most physically-demanding of sports: hot weather, cheap booze and cut-price airline tickets to Greece. A Club 18-30 rep told The Rockall Times: "The team has been training hard in Ayia Napa for the past three months. Expect a flawless performance including fighting, vomiting and full sex in the street."

Pie eating

America and the UK are once again clear favourites to occupy the top two slots in this freestyle obesity slog. Medical experts foresee a strong challenge from British kids who have been working their way relentlessly through enormous piles of crisps, oven chips, burgers and microwaveable pizzas washed down with lashings and lashings of Sunny D.

Coxless reality TV contestant

The judging for this event is a mere formality after transsexual Nadia triumphed in CH4's Big Brother, in the process seeing off a world-class field of social retards and simpering inadequates. Rumours that popular former TV presenter Anthea Turner will next year challenge in the coxed class by having a penis sewn onto her forehead in an attempt to revive her moribund career are unconfirmed.

10,000 metre whine

TV superstar Les Dennis is clear favourite to secure top podium position since he has not stopped banging on about his split with former wife Amanda Holden even though they separated almost 40 years ago. When asked about his prospects, Les told The Rockall Times: "I just felt betrayed after Amanda's affair and even when we were briefly reconciled I just felt I couldn't trust her. This has been the worse 40 years of my life, but I just have to start rebuilding...." Mr Dennis continued on this track for three hours until the credit on his pay-as-you-go mobile ran out.

Fantasy topless beach volleyball

Voted the sport most agreeable to men if played naked — closely followed by women's ice skating and gymnastics — the International Olympic Committee is considering a petition from international broadcasters which would oblige female beach volleyball players to get their kit off. Talented UK model Jordan has already confirmed that she will form a team if the IOC green lights the project "as long as I can keep me clitoral piercing in".

Breaststroke

Highly-talented former nurse Abi Titmuss looks set to storm home in record time after appearing drinking from the furry cup in a steamy girl-on-girl home video and subsequently splashing across the UK tabloids fondling her ample bosoms on miscellaneous beaches and yachts. Also fancied for the "Film premiere knicker shot" challenge — a highly technical sport which involves exiting cars in front of baying paparazzi while accidentally exposing one's skimpy briefs to the assembled mob.

Spam javelin

Since the departure of England's beloved Linford Christie, no-one in Britain apparently has wedding tackle big enough to wobble around like a king-size sausage and two spuds in a Lycra pouch. "All our penises are very small," confirmed one disconsolate member of the UK athletics team. "So even if we win gold in the running events, no-one will remember." Furthermore, the International Olympic Committee has warned that "anyone found using a prosthetic penis enhancer in order to wow the ladies will be on the next plane home".

Those UK Olympic prospects in full