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Olympic shame of Rockall pair

Readers who sat through last Friday's 111-hour Olympic opening ceremony were doubtless shocked at the absence of the Rockall team which had left the sacred islet on Thursday night for Athens, hearts filled with pride and suitcases packed to bursting with performance-enhancing narcotics.

We can now reveal that the North Atlantic's finest — who had hoped to gain gold in the seven-event pornathlon and the synchronised aquatic majorettes — shamefully failed a drugs test just hours before the kick-off of the world's greatest steroid-abusers' jamboree.

The pair had travelled to London's Stanstead airport to catch a connecting flight to Athens. They then apparently had a few "liveners" in the bar before presenting themselves at the check-in. The budget airline operative — whose make-up was later described by an eye witness as "immaculate, if a little on the heavy side" — informed the wobbly duo that unless they sobered up they would not allowed on the aircraft.

However, instead of immediately proceeding to the nearest coffee outlet, the pair staggered to the car park, stole a moped and wrapped it round a lamp-post. They have been ordered to stay in the local hospital pending a disciplinary hearing scheduled for Wednesday.

A spokesman for the Rockall Olympic Committee (ROC) told The Rockall Times: "They have brought shame on themselves and on Rockall. Worse still, they completely ruined the Olympic opening ceremony for billions of TV viewers who had tuned in just for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the Rockall flag proudly paraded between those of Romford and Rwanda."

When pressed as to what punishment the pair couple expect from the ROC, the grim-faced representative said: "They will most likely be locked in a darkened room and obliged to watch the entire opening ceremony. Twice."

Previously

• Drug cloud hangs over Athens Olympics
• Athens Olympics embrace terrorism
• British Olympian shoots up drug theory

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