Britain reels after rollercoaster week of Olympic action

Moments of glory amid tearful disappointment

by Janus Motsonius

It's been a rollercoaster ride of a week for Team GB at the Athens Olympics — a week marked by the contrasting emotions of mild disappointment, disappointment and out-and-out disappointment. Amid the general atmosphere of disappointment, however, we have identified the sporting highlights which will allow our plucky lads and lasses to return to the UK next week with their heads held high. Read on with pride:

Racket sports u-turn

A terrific effort by Team GB's millions of pub pundits who — having dismissed badminton as "a sport for girls and card-carrying homosexuals" — immediately adjusted their position following the mixed doubles silver medal from Gail Emms and Nathan Robertson. As one man man propping up the fruit machine in Dagenham's Fighting Dog & Pikey put it: "I always said it was a proper sport — not like squash, which is just a couple of yuppies knocking a rubber ball about. I used to play badminton for the county, you know..."

Lachrymose roadside squat

Years of dedicated training certainly paid off for Paula Radcliffe who wowed the Greek onlookers by blubbering uncontrollably by the roadside for a full 20 minutes — thereby shattering the previous record held by tumbling US 3,000 metres runner Mary Decker. Radcliffe delivered an amazing 1.2 litres during her Marathon bout of wailing, all of which came as a terrible shock for her rival runners who were, after all, just there to make up the numbers.

A-level low-jump

Unlike the traditional high-jump, this event involves gradually lowering the bar until everybody wins. In 1984, for example, students taking the A-level English exam might be confronted with the daunting "In Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, the figure of Kurtz can be considered a metaphor for colonial Africa. Discuss with quotes and contemporary examples." In 2004, correctly answering the question "Who wrote Macbeth?" guaranteed a pass. Although the authorities deny that standards have dropped, the recent case of a student who passed A-level sociology despite being in a coma and on life-support following over-consumption of Newcastle Brown Ale and Pot Noodles seems to indicate otherwise.

The Darfur shuffle

Top Brit Jack Straw beat off an impressive roster of international talent who had amazed the entire world by talking endlessly about the humanitarian crisis in Sudan without actually lifting a finger to do anything about it. As we speak, Straw is en route to Khartoum where he will tut-tut for a couple of days, deliver a stern rebuke to the Sudanese authorities before returning to the UK and doing absolutely nothing about the humanitarian crisis. A world-class political performance.

Transit kayak slalom

A fantastic showing by the team from Boscastle who delivered an unmanned MKII Transit down the high street and into the harbour in just 1 minute 43 seconds. A rain-lashed but elated local enthused: "Conditions were absolutely perfect and the vehicle just went like the clappers."

Sychronised whine

Always guaranteed to pull in the medals for Great Britain, the nation's collective efforts at excuse-mongering have assured it a place in the pantheon of Olympic glory. While Paula Radcliffe is generally accepted to have succumbed to "excessive heat", various pundits have also identified "the tarmac being too black", the atmosphere containing "too much nitrogen" and other competitors "running faster" as contributory factors.

Similarly, Phillips Idowu's disqualification from the men's triple jump was certainly due in large part to the ferocious — and entirely unexpected — effects of the sun, although many consider that the "sand may have been a bit sharp" and, naturally, "very hot". In the women's 400m, all three Brits crashed out yesterday, probably as a result of "the heat", an analysis seemingly confirmed by Team GB's meteorological advisor who told The Rockall Times: "Our people have been dropping like flies. It's completely unacceptable that we were not given due warning about just how hot Athens is in August. I mean, Greece is not noted for its searing summer heat, is it?"

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