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  Monday 23rd August 2004  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Slugger Prescott hailed for aquatic heroics

Selfless plunge into raging torrent
by Stan Martin

Deputy prime minister and government bare-knuckle boxing champ John Prescott donned his cape once more last week to save some poor lowlife who was unfortunate enough to fall into a river just as Tony Blair's right-hand man was enjoying a bankside trundle. Prescott — also known as “pie boy” or “Slugger” in inner circles in the Commons — is being hailed as a hero for saving the life of a Graham Cook who just happened to be trying to commit suicide in a North Wales river at the time.

Cook apparently jumped off a three-foot bridge into a raging torrent of water screaming “I can’t take a year of this shite!” in reaction to the piss-poor performance of his beloved Norwich city in the first weekend of Premiership action. Unfortunately for him, Britain’s very own couch King Edward was passing at that very moment and broke free of bodyguards after mistakenly believing that he had seen Cook plunge into the abyss with a perfectly serviceable pork pie in his hand. Moments before dramatically diving in to save the wannabe suicide — a manoeuvre later described as a "double somersault with pike and 2-and-a-half twists — difficulty of 3.4" — “Slugger” Prescott shouted: “Oy, don’t you bloody waste that, i’ll 'ave ye!”

Onlookers then ran screaming from a terrifying tsunami which followed Prescott's violent impact with the water. Slugger moved inexorably towards Cook equipped with nothing more than a safety helmet, two lifejackets and an air-sea rescue helicopter, grabbed him by the throat and proceeded to throttle his half-drowned victim.

Mr Prescott quickly dragged the man to the nearby river bank by his testicles which were by this point shrivelled like walnuts. Delirious and shivering with cold he was then subject to a good old mouth-to-mouth (with tongues) resuscitation by the deputy PM who shouted: “Where's the pie you bastard? Fight for it like a man.”

Special Branch members — clearly mindful of the Rhyl fisticuffs during which Prescott piled into one voter who had thrown an egg at him, battering the man senseless with a chant of: “I could have fried that and had it in a sandwich you muppet!" — half-heartedly pulled Slugger off the bruised Cook. A body search confirmed that Cook was carrying no pies of any description and he was allowed to leave the scene after a caution.

Although Mr Prescott's press office declined to coment on its supremo's gallantry, Slugger made direct contact with The Rockall Times to insist that he is now being considered for a George Medal.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man