There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
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  Monday 23rd August 2004  Yeast Logic   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Armed blagger lifts Scream 2

Post-modern serial-killer flick reprise takes a walk
by Scruffy Muppet

Rockall cops were left baffled, and ironic-slasher-retread fans were left aghast yesterday at the noontime purloining of a video copy of Scream 2 from the sacred islet's premier retailer of soft pornography and cigarettes to schoolies.

Proprietor Jan Leeming had no comment as she was enjoying a Sunday pub carvery of roast beef, Yorkshire pudding and all the trimmings with elderly family members at the time of the snatch. However, Leo Baxendale, 19, duty manager of “Rockall News, Booze, Fags and Videooze” was able to comment.

“It was a normal Sunday lunchtime crowd. Dads buying cards and the small boxes of Roses to make up for leering at someone last night, my Mum hassling me for discount on fortified wines, that sort of thing," a visibly-shaken Baxendale told The Rockall Times. "There was nothing out of the ordinary."

Nothing out the ordinary indeed, until a single ruffian burst in brandishing what was almost certainly a sawn-off shotgun wrapped in a bin-liner. Though Baxendale has since admitted that it could have been “a cucumber, or perhaps a large continental sausage, like chorizo or kielbasa”. Understandably cautious of the miscreant, Baxendale complied with the demands of the assailant to “fill this rucksack with all your Sarah Michelle Gellar videos and DVDs”. Both Scooby-Doo movies being out on loan, and Cruel Intentions having long-since been sold through the bargain bin, the post-modern serial-killer flick reprise was all that remained. The thief left on foot.

Local Sarah Michelle Gellar expert, the short and somewhat dumpy-looking Spike Vampire commented thus: “I’m not surprised really."

Police confirm they are looking for a short, dumpy man who may or may not have interests in firearms and/or continental meats. Though they didn’t mention Ms Gellar, oddly.

Wes Craven was unavailable for interview, though John Craven said that he “was now on telly most Sunday mornings on that farming programme” and thus had a rock-solid alibi, guvnor.

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