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Blunkett orders clampdown on bearded extremists

Years of personal grooming and glowing pride for many of Britain’s men (and some women) could be threatened, following the latest initiative from the Home Office. In a move set to send shockwaves through real ale drinkers, model plane enthusiasts and al-Qaeda, The Rockall Times has learnt that the Government is to criminalise the wearing of beards.

Despite the inevitable outrage this will cause amongst many a beard-sporter, home secretary David Blindgit remains unrepentant: "All our 'intelligence' points to the fact that those wishing to perpetrate an attack on the UK are predominantly bearded. This measure will hit them where it hurts and stop a terrorist attack before it happens."

Blunkett's views were today echoed by top scientist and facial-forestation expert, Dr Fox: "The Home Office is in many ways correct. Whilst politicians may be trying to use such a measure to strike fear into the populace and keep us all submissive, my research shows that facial hair or beards indicate an inclination to hide something, and this could well be a desire to mass-murder thousands of innocent people. It's unhygienic, anyway."

Not everyone, it seems, supports this latest counter-terrorist measure. Everest-scaling actor Brian Blessed thundered: "This is an outrage. I have a beard and I'm harmless and cuddly. My God, what next? Perhaps they'll want to outlaw people with unnecessarily loud voices."

It would appear that a sizable minority supports his view, and with even the likes of bulldog-faced boxing rapist Mike Tyson now sporting occasional whiskers, how far will this law go? The Home Office has yet to issue precise details of its plans, but has moved quickly to assure the public that this measure will not include merkins, which will remain perfectly legal, albeit frowned upon.

Sporting a beard will carry a custodial sentence, and may even result in beardies being detained indefinitely under the recent Prevention Of Terrorism Act. There are whispers on opposition benches that some individuals have already been detained in this manner, and that at least two members of ZZ Top may have fallen foul of the new law.

It is not expected that these new measures will extend to bearded extremists at the Home Office.

Previously

• Blunkett snatches world record
• Public applaud new-look RoboBlunkett
• Blunkett unleashes blitz on street crime

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