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Russell Crowe to play Amir Khan in £80m boxing epic

Aussie heartthrob Russell Crowe will play Amir Khan in a forthcoming biopic of the Bolton youngster's life, we can reveal. The story of how the northern lad fought his way from the streets to Olympic boxing glory will be movingly retold in the lavish, £80m epic to be filmed on an enormous recreation of Bolton especially constructed on a back lot in Leeds. Crowe, meanwhile is said to training hard for the role by punching bodyguard Mark "Spud" Carroll's lights out during the filming of The Cinderella Man — another pugilistic role for the granite-fisted Australian.

New Chechen president Alu Alkhanov has expressed his confidence that he will still be alive next Monday, Russian news agencies report. Four out of five of Alkhanov's predecessors have been iced by Chechen rebels demanding safer air travel, better security at Moscow theatres and the right to celebrate the end of WWII without bombs going off. Alkhanov's first public appearance will be the traditional swearing-in ceremony where he will also be measured for a coffin, as is the local custom.

Emperor of oil-rich Chelsea, Jose Mourinho, has expressed his dismay the sacking of Premiership rival Bobby Robson — sent packing from Newcastle this week. "Where I come from, the penalty for two draws and two defeats is crucifixion, or at least exile to Palestine," lamented a visibly-disgruntled Mourinho while randomly executing one in ten of his merchandising staff for disappointing replica kit sales in the first three weeks of the new season.

Michael Schumacher has strenuously denied allegations that his cruise to yet another Formula One title has made the annual spectacle "as dull and predictable as an Abi Titmuss tit-flash". The charismatic German has promised a string of dramas for the 2005 campaign which will guarantee a nail-biting contest. "I may take a little longer over pit stops. Say two thousandths of a second," Schumacher enthused. While he chatted amiably, the engraver who records the title winners' names on the F1 silverware was adding Schumacher's name for the next ten years "to save myself the bother of coming out here every bloody year to do it".

The Colombian government has finally won control of the enormous estate of former coke-running supremo Pablo Escobar, the Ministry of Culture has joyfully announced. Escobar was shot dead in 1993 after failing to sufficiently bribe officers who had surrounded the fugitive, but his distraught relatives later fought to keep control of his assets. The ministry now hopes to boost the local economy by opening the estate and its enormous hacienda as a national "Museum of Narcotics Trafficking" in celebration of the only trade which has brought any foreign currency of note into the sun-kissed earthly paradise of Colombia during the last 50 years.

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