Queen to star as Helen Mirren

Her Imperial Majestyness Liz II will play actress Helen Mirren in forthcoming biopic The Queen, director Stephen Frears has revealed. The film centres around the making of 1979 epic Caligula which has since become famous for its scenes of orgiastic excess and lesbian rumpy-pumpy.

Mirren has reportedly expressed her satisfaction at the casting. Filming will begin in 2005, and a source close to the palace told The Rockall Times: "Her Majesty does not normally do full-frontal scenes, but she is satisfied that it is justified here in the historical context of the story. She's delighted at being chosen for this prestigious role."

The producers were last night unable to confirm any other cast members, although it seems likely that John Leslie will make a bid to revive his moribund career by pitching for the role of sexually depraved emperor Tiberius Caesar, while his former squeeze Abi Titmuss is said to be "moist at the gusset" at the prospect of getting her kit off "for any part at all, as long as it involves a bit of girl-on-girl".

Ms Mirren, meanwhile, has confirmed that she will keep her clothes on for most of a new series of Prime Suspect although she couldn't say for certain that "my tits won't pop out unexpectedly if the ratings demand it".

Previously

• The Rockall Times’ Jubilee Years in pictures
• John Leslie slams indecent assault charges
• I'll be your whore in the kitchen: Abi Titmuss