Monday 6th September 2004
Chechnya: What every parent should know
Your cut-out-and-keep guide to gym-loving insurgents
by our education correspendent
With this year's Sats scores for 11 to 13-year-olds at Belsan's School No 1 unlikely to hit president Putin's target of 93 per cent due to extended or permanent absence from the school register of hundreds of its pupils, we at The Rockall Times have decided to give the UK's parents a cut-out-and-keep guide to the region's most radical educational reformists — Chechen separatist rebels.
The Chechens are traditionally keen on sports, so it comes as no surprise that their occupation of the North Ossetia educational facility was immediately followed by mass enrolment in that most demanding of disciplines: sitting motionless in the gymnasium for as long as possible without food or water and surrounded by explosives.
The rebels were well on course for another world record when the event was sadly disrupted by Russian Spetsnaz special forces indulging in their own particular favourite: firing indiscriminately at large buildings until everyone within has either run screaming for the nearest ambulance (if available) or is dead.
The Chechens' disappointment at the outcome may, however, be tempered by the knowledge that they have helped the Spetsnaz set a new benchmark in siege resolution. In May 2003, they managed to kill just 111 of the hostages held in a Moscow theatre by Chechen art lovers — this time around the body count may be a high as 300. As one heavily-armed and Ramboesque Russian elite force member put it: "It was a terrific effort. The lads gave 110 per cent. I'm over the moon."
But who are they, these proud sons and daughters of Chechnya? And why should you care? Read on:
Chechnya? Never heard of it.
Sure you have. Go to Georgia and turn left.
You mean there's a rebellious Islamic republic sandwiched between Florida and Alabama? Blimey.
No, the other Georgia.
Ah, as in Georgia on my Mind...
That's it. Mildred Bailey was a big fan of Georgia. And a personal friend of Stalin. He was from Georgia, you know.
Fascinating. What's that got to do with Chechnya?
Like I said, go to sweet Georgia and turn left — that's Chechnya.
Sounds sinister.
Doesn't it just.
So what's the beef?
Well, Chechnya used to be part of the Soviet Union, and it didn't much like the application of the Russki jackboot. Despite declaring itself independent in 1991, Chechnya has twice been favoured by visits from the Russian military — between 1994 and 1996 and later in 1999. Thousands have died. The place has worked its way through a rack of Moscow-backed presidents in recent years, pretty well all of whom were assassinated. The place is a complete bloody mess, so don't expect an outbreak of peace and love any time soon.
They've been through the mill, bless 'em. Mind you, I suppose property prices are cheap at the moment. Any good investment opportunities?
Oh yes. A one-bed apartment in Grozny which used to be on the second floor but is now in the basement — along with all the other floors — can be yours for as little as £1,000.
Sounds good. What are the long-term prospects?
Estate agents describe Chechnya as "up-and-coming", meaning that the majority of visitors are Russians in tanks. Mind you, once the Brit second-homers get a foothold, the place will be full of sports pubs and big screen TVs showing live Premiership action.
Won't the locals object?
No. They'll all be dead.
Steady on. It does seem that the Russians have been a little heavy-handed. Don't the Chechens have some sort of case here?
Well yes, but now that they've signed up as platinum-card-carrying al-Qaeda members, no-one gives a tinker's cuss.
Crikey. What on earth has al-Qaeda got to do with Chechnya?
Well, it appears that some of the Belsan terrorists were of the, ahem, raghead persuasion.
That's a stroke of luck for Putin.
Yup. File it under War on Terror™
But what has killing schoolchildren in North Ossetia got to do with Islam?
You'll have to get back to us on that one.
Surely your resident Islamic scholar has an opinion on the matter?
Quite probably, but he's in Darfur at the moment relocating non-Muslims in the name of Allah.
I must admit I've quite gone off the idea of a holiday bolt-hole in Grozny. Or Sudan, for that matter.
Admittedly, the phrase "property hot spot" does not have quite the same meaning out there as it does here.
Mind you, I like the sound of the "Chechen Diet". Do you think we could arrange for some rebels to occupy our local comprehensive for a week or so?
I don't see why not. Kids been overdoing it on the mini pizzas, stringy cheese luncheables and Sunny D?
Got it in one. That and sixteen hours a day slumped in front of the PS2.
Sounds like a plan. Shall I pass on the details to Osama bin Laden?
Thanks.
Next week:
Getting the very best for your children: Our at-a-glance guide to North Ossetia's top twenty state schools.